Wonderemployment

It's been a year. Quite a year, to state the obvious. Last March I wrote about how it felt like the longest month . We had just seen the beginning of the pandemic, I had a miscarriage, and Holly turned four. I don't think any of us could have predicted what was in store for us. One year later, we're creeping out of the pandemic, I had a baby, and Holly turned five. It's a lot to process.  I love going back and reading the posts I wrote about my pregnancy and early parenthood days with Holly. Time and experience continually shape us, and I like being able to see what felt significant, challenging, or celebratory to me at different points. I feel some regret that I didn't take time to record more of what it was like anticipating Max's arrival. But really, the bar is low for what we should have done in 2020, so I won't linger on that. I'll just try to capture what I can now of the year we've just experienced. (1) Masks for everyone and everything; (2) ...

Yosemite, February 2020 Today you become the heirs of a legacy of togetherness. Together you will dream dreams. Together you will make plans. Together you will face moments of unutterable joy. Together you will face moments of inexpressible sorrow. Despair not when the inevitable moments of personality adjustment arise, for they may be the stepping stones to higher levels of self-completion. Be not dismayed when the buoyancy of fulfillment is transformed into the fatigue of disappointment, for this is apart of the changing scenery of life. Like the ever-flowing water of the river, life has its moments of drought and its moments of flood. Like the ever-changing cycle of the seasons, life has the piercing chill of its winters and the soothing warmth of its summers. If you feel that the fountain of love is running dry in your marriage, seek desperately to fill it anew; for without love marriage is like a parched and dried up dessert without the refreshing oasis of happiness. If you are te...

Since my last post, I've been exercising my commitment to speak up in white spaces, as uncomfortable as it can be. I'm sharing this example  in case the content is informative to you, or can encourage you to speak up when you're shut down.   I am part of a forum dedicated to addressing childhood adversity and community trauma and posted information about a webinar from Showing Up for Racial Justice .  A moderator deleted it because it could be considered "inflammatory". She said: While we agree in that a horrific injustice and murder has taken place, we do not condone the violence of looting and destruction of private and public property, nor would we want to abolish police which it is calling for. I am quite torn as I did sign up for the call and so want something that me as a white person can do to get more involved and address the systemic racism but am not in support of the extreme actions they are calling for. This took me aback because I didn't see any...

To my white friends and colleagues: This is hard for me to write, and it may be hard for you receive. This moment is not about me or my suffering, which pales in comparison to what Black folks are experiencing. But I think it’s important for you to hear as you think about allyship. Please know that I have stayed silent for your comfort. I have held my tongue in response to your microaggressions and your ignorant statements, which I am not proud of. I’ve let things go because I don’t want to embarrass you or disrupt the peace. I didn’t want to shatter the illusion that race isn’t an issue between us, because most of the time it is not. I've been scared you'll see me differently, and not in a good way. But the truth is, I don't want to be your “safe” minority friend. I have lived my life subconsciously seeking the acceptance of white people. It is how I was raised, not so subconsciously. My parents knew the key to getting ahead in America was to do well in wh...

Before you keep reading, I want you to know this post talks about pregnancy loss. If this is a sensitive topic for you, please take care. March started on high note with Holly’s birthday. On the first of the month, we had her first big party. There were lots of friends, lots of cake, and a festive mood throughout. I loved seeing her sweet, knowing smile as she stepped behind the cake, assuming the role of birthday girl for everyone to sing to. My big girl, my pride and joy. That day seems like a lifetime ago. Remember when parties were a thing? While coronavirus was in the news, we didn’t even think of canceling. It didn’t seem to be a big threat yet. That would change so quickly in the coming weeks, and I am thankful we got to celebrate in such a big way before having to close ourselves off. I thought the second week of March was going to bring more joy. I went to the doctor for an initial ultrasound, at around 8 weeks pregnant. People generally have to wait that long to be s...

Another year has gone by in a blink. The years do seem to fly by faster with age, and I've been having so many moments recently of wondering how time can play such mind games. It's been three months since I finished school, and somehow the rest of my life has swallowed up the voids left from classes, papers, and Zoom calls. It's almost like it never even happened, and those two years were just a brief detour. I'm turning 33 next week. I swear I just turned 30 . Holly is starting preschool next week, after being at the same home daycare for the past three years. I remember agonizing over how much breastmilk I could pump for her and wishing she could tell me anything about her day. Now she talks nonstop about her friends, about who likes Little Mermaid, who likes Elsa, and who got time out. She can write her name, use the potty, and feed herself. She has even told me she hates me. She's really not a baby anymore. Curtis and I can't help but say it every sing...