It's been a year. Quite a year, to state the obvious. Last March I wrote about how it felt like the longest month. We had just seen the beginning of the pandemic, I had a miscarriage, and Holly turned four. I don't think any of us could have predicted what was in store for us. One year later, we're creeping out of the pandemic, I had a baby, and Holly turned five. It's a lot to process.
I love going back and reading the posts I wrote about my pregnancy and early parenthood days with Holly. Time and experience continually shape us, and I like being able to see what felt significant, challenging, or celebratory to me at different points. I feel some regret that I didn't take time to record more of what it was like anticipating Max's arrival. But really, the bar is low for what we should have done in 2020, so I won't linger on that. I'll just try to capture what I can now of the year we've just experienced.
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So back to the beginning... After my miscarriage in March, I quickly felt at peace with what happened. I knew it was common and not my fault. I gave myself space to be sad, and my grief turned to acceptance in short time. When I got pregnant again, that fragile peace became undone. I felt detached at first; having a pregnancy loss robs you of the notion that a positive test means a baby is coming. Each day I thought "this could be the end". It didn't help that for several weeks I had ambiguous symptoms that could or could not indicate a pending miscarriage. It was a total mindf*ck. Each day between appointments seemed to drag on unbearably long. The only thing that helped early on was finding the Pregnancy After Loss subreddit (I had never been on reddit before) and reading so many stories of people experiencing and working through the same anxieties. Turns out everything I felt was quite common.
By week 18 or 19, I could feel the baby moving frequently and slowly felt more at ease, mentally at least. The debilitating pelvic girdle pain I had when I was pregnant with Holly came back for this pregnancy too. Fortunately working from home is much easier on the body and I knew what types of movements to avoid, so the pain didn't get as severe this time. Not having to plaster on a smile for other people also made the discomfort easier to bear. One of the most annoying things about being pregnant in public with Holly was having to endure comments about my size, shape, and symptoms. This time I was more than happy not to field questions about my gait or repeatedly share what I've done to address it. I feel for first-time parents who missed out on the attention that comes with a pregnant belly, but for me, it was a welcome reprieve.
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| (4) Hungry, hungry panda; (5) Rock solid family; (6) Big sister! |
Throughout my pregnancy, Holly was the most understanding little companion, playing quietly in the mornings so I could get extra rest and picking out socks for me from the clean laundry basket each day so I wouldn't have to bend down. My heart swelled seeing how instinctively and generously she cared for me and her growing baby brother. It's hard to put into words how much 2020 meant for my relationship with her. This past year I've spent more time with her than I ever planned to as a working mom. I am so grateful I was given that gift right before Max would change our family dynamic forever. There were trying moments and boring days, but somehow it felt like a honeymoon period, and I fell more in love with her than I've ever been. Four was a magical year when the tantrums stopped, her stamina and patience increased, and it actually felt like we were hanging out together for fun. Baking, walking, crafting, and reading certainly beat emails and Zoom meetings any day. The most challenging part was trying to do it all. I'm fortunate I was able to use emergency FMLA and reduce my work hours for several months to give Holly more undivided attention. I'm not sure how I would have managed without that break.
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| (7) Rainbows every day; (8) Evening walk close to home; (9) Homemade blueberry soda and muffins |
Preschool opened back up again in September, and we made the difficult choice to send her back. I wouldn't have been able to pull off the reduction in hours for long, and Holly wasn't getting any interaction with other children. ("You should get her a sibling!" people said... not knowing I had lost a pregnancy.) We're lucky to have had the option, unlike parents of school-aged kids. Thankfully we've all remained healthy despite the increased exposure.
As much as I loved the one-on-one time with Holly, working at home by myself was such a luxury. I knew such quiet solitude was fleeting with a baby set to arrive, and I relished every day of it. I thought I'd have many more days to myself to relax and prepare for the baby's arrival. But a week before the planned start of my maternity leave, I got out of bed in the morning to be greeted by a huge gush of water. To our utter surprise, it was baby time-- four weeks early! Unlike what the movies show, it's not very common to have your water break before labor starts. I didn't know what to think or do since I had been prepared to cope with early labor at home and wait for "4-1-1". Labor and Delivery told me to come in, so we called the grandparents to come stay with Holly and quickly got our hospital bag packed. I wasn't feeling any contractions yet, so it felt surreal when the doctor told me I wouldn't be leaving until the baby was born. Since the baby would be preterm, they wanted to monitor me closely. We watched A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood on the hospital movie channel, ordered pasta from Italian Homemade Company, and just waited. Who knew our only date night of the year would be at Kaiser! Later that evening, the action (and the pain) started to pick up, and Max was born the next morning, with a hearty cry and full head of hair. It happened so fast. One moment he was inside and the next I was holding him; it feels like I haven't put him down since. That's obviously a simplified version of the story, but all in all it was a very positive birth experience. We'll never know why he decided to come early, but we're so happy he's here now.
We're not even three weeks in yet, so it may be premature to make any definitive judgments, but so far it seems easier the second time around. Part of it may be that recovering from a c-section last time was a longer, tougher process in general, but I think we also just have more of a baseline now for what's normal (like loud baby sleep noises!) and more knowledge to apply to challenges (like how to get a better latch). It's good to see we've learned a thing or two over the years. We're also more connected to our community this time around. We've had so many neighbors bring us gifts, knit us baby clothes, deliver delicious food, and show genuine care for us in ways I never could have imagined a few years ago. Sometimes the generosity feels undeserved, but we will do our best to pay it forward.
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| (10) Bread baked by a neighbor; (11) Knit baby booties; (12) Dinner delivered |
This year has brought so much hardship and pain to so many. We have had some tough times too, but when I look back, I am mainly struck by how very lucky we've been. Someday our kids will probably have a lesson at school about the pandemic and ask us what it was like during this time. I will tell them it was scary and uncertain, but that we did our best to stay safe and stop the spread. I will be honest about our privileges and how we were spared from the worst of it. I also will share the ways we tried to help, the connections we formed in our community, and the joy we created for ourselves. I hope to say that we learned to do better, as individuals, as a family, as a nation. But only time will tell if that is actually the truth. Most of all, I will tell them how closely we held them and how fiercely we loved them through the strangest year of our lives.
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| (13) Signs of the times; (14) Sidewalk cheer; (15) It's going to be alright |
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