Wonderemployment

It's been a year. Quite a year, to state the obvious. Last March I wrote about how it felt like the longest month . We had just seen the beginning of the pandemic, I had a miscarriage, and Holly turned four. I don't think any of us could have predicted what was in store for us. One year later, we're creeping out of the pandemic, I had a baby, and Holly turned five. It's a lot to process.  I love going back and reading the posts I wrote about my pregnancy and early parenthood days with Holly. Time and experience continually shape us, and I like being able to see what felt significant, challenging, or celebratory to me at different points. I feel some regret that I didn't take time to record more of what it was like anticipating Max's arrival. But really, the bar is low for what we should have done in 2020, so I won't linger on that. I'll just try to capture what I can now of the year we've just experienced. (1) Masks for everyone and everything; (2) ...

Before you keep reading, I want you to know this post talks about pregnancy loss. If this is a sensitive topic for you, please take care. March started on high note with Holly’s birthday. On the first of the month, we had her first big party. There were lots of friends, lots of cake, and a festive mood throughout. I loved seeing her sweet, knowing smile as she stepped behind the cake, assuming the role of birthday girl for everyone to sing to. My big girl, my pride and joy. That day seems like a lifetime ago. Remember when parties were a thing? While coronavirus was in the news, we didn’t even think of canceling. It didn’t seem to be a big threat yet. That would change so quickly in the coming weeks, and I am thankful we got to celebrate in such a big way before having to close ourselves off. I thought the second week of March was going to bring more joy. I went to the doctor for an initial ultrasound, at around 8 weeks pregnant. People generally have to wait that long to be s...

Holly is turning two this week and I'm going to be making a peanut butter pie for her. When I was at Trader Joe's grabbing a box of graham crackers for the crust, I was hit with the memory of the last time I bought a box of these. I had been discharged from the hospital a few days after my c-section. I was given three different types of pills, all to be taken at different time intervals (4, 6 and 12 hours I think), and some had to be taken with food. With a newborn at home, I hardly got any sleep as it was, but then also needed to wake up at the right times to stay on top of the medications. Getting up was near impossible, so I kept a Ziploc bag of Trader Joe's honey grahams by my side throughout the night. I figured out that if I broke them up beforehand into bite sizes, I could stick whole pieces in my mouth while laying down and not get crumbs everywhere. They somehow tasted good any time of the day, but after that initial recovery period, I didn't buy graham cracker...

Today is my last day off. Ever.  That's not true of course, but it feels a bit that way because next week I'm back to work full time. I definitely feel ready, but it's bittersweet too. As a recap, I haven't worked full time since November 2015, when I was six months pregnant and got laid off. (That sounds bad, but the two events are unrelated.) I accepted a new job shortly after that, but called it quits by February to give my big aching body a rest, and to prepare for Holly's arrival. It was difficult to choose to have no job to return to, but it was undoubtedly the right decision for me. I am so fortunate that I had an open timeline after she was born to recover from birth, be completely focused on her, and figure out what to do next professionally. After seven months at home I unexpectedly found a job that excited me, and went back to work 24 hours per week. Now, at one year, I'm starting full time. Looking back, it was terrifying not knowing what 2016 wou...

Today, I did not enjoy being a mom. I did not enjoy waking up to a crying baby. I did not enjoy taking a sick day for my laryngitis, yet not being able to get any extra rest. I did not enjoy cutting up her breakfast into tiny squares. I did not enjoy hearing her whine while I made that breakfast. I did not enjoy pulling peanut butter out of her hair. I did not enjoy her "vocal exercises" of screeching and screaming. I did not enjoy hearing her wake up from her morning nap too early. I did not enjoy the THREE catastrophic diapers she prepared for me today. I did not enjoy her piercing cries at having her diaper and clothes changed. I did not enjoy having no voice to comfort her complaining. I did not enjoy crying while she cried; it really hurt my throat! I did not enjoy the eyedrops I needed to use for the pinkeye she gave me. I did not enjoy taking things away from her that shouldn't be used as toys. I did not enjoy picking soggy Cheerios off her shirt at snack time, ...

Hanging out with a baby can be loud, but it can also be very quiet at times. During this past year, my most constant companion has been my podcasts. Prior to my pregnancy, I only listened to one podcast, just enough to fill the time on my commute on BART. But once I started staying home all day with Holly, podcasts helped me not just fill time, but keep me connected to the bigger world. It was like having great conversations without having to do any of the work. They have become such a soundtrack to my home life, I wanted to capture them here as sort of an audio time capsule for this period of my life. Here are my top five podcasts (not in any order), along with some favorite episodes: Stuff Mom Never Told You : I feel like I tell everyone about this podcast because so many conversations remind me of things I've learned from this show. Cristen and Caroline look at tons of topics from a feminist, fact-based lens, with a good dose of humor. I am so bummed they won't be record...

As we get ready to celebrate our anniversary, I want to take some time to reflect on how becoming parents has changed our marriage. I know for me, this transition was one of my biggest fears about having a baby. How would it change us ? Would it ruin this good thing we had going? I hear this anxiety from friends too, who are weighing the question of when and if to have kids. There's no universal answer and I'm sure things will wax and wane with each passing year, but for us, I've been relieved to find that our good thing has only gotten better. I share this not to brag how much I looooove my spouse, or to imply that we're some extraordinary couple without scars and squabbles, but to offer a counter narrative to the one I've heard so much, that having a baby will make you resent your partner, forget about romance, and generally become unhappy. (See exhibit A , B, and C .) It's not that those personal perspectives and research data are not valid, but there ...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much knowledge and experience I've gained in just a few months of motherhood. I see now why people love giving parenting advice. When you've been through the gauntlet, you feel you must share it all-- what you experienced, how you felt, what you'd do differently, what you're most proud of. But everyone's gauntlet is full of different obstacles, different circumstances, and different outcomes. So I don't want to give anyone advice. This is just a few things I've come to learn so far, some reassuring words I'd offer myself if I could. A mother's intuition is real, and you've got it. I read a lot of articles and stories where moms would refer to their intuition, and how they just "knew" something was wrong with their baby, or how you have to do what "feels" right to you as a parent. While I absolutely believe in my intuition as a powerful voice to listen to, I didn't quite beli...

When people say time flies with a baby, they really mean it. In the first month, caring for Holly was so exhausting and so new, every day seemed like an eternity. But somewhere along the way, my perception of time flipped, and now I have no idea how three months have already gone by. Like most new parents, we take tons of pictures of the baby. I scroll through them daily, amazed at how much she's grown and changed already. I understand now how parents are so proud of every little milestone. (She can lift her head up! She can kind of almost reach out for that toy!) When she was born, she was so tiny and helpless, balled up so tight as if still missing the womb. At three months, she seems so sophisticated and worldly in comparison, able to look around, smile, "talk", and recognize us. It is more rewarding to watch her grow than I ever could have imagined. If you've ever planted a seed and rejoiced that it actually sprouted, you'll know what I mean. It's no big...

What a whirlwind the last two weeks have been. We welcomed our beautiful, healthy baby Holly into the world and just like that, we became parents. I am someone's mother! It's hard to give the hugeness of that much thought though because we're just trying to keep things afloat. Bringing home a newborn is both easier and harder than I had imagined. Her needs really are simple: milk, a clean diaper, and some love and affection. So far, she doesn't cry for anything other than those things. We don't sleep more than 2.5 hours at a time (and we would consider that a good stretch!), but that has been relatively manageable since we don't have anywhere to be in the morning and can nap whenever the opportunity arises. Between my mom's cooking and our amazing friends that have contributed to our  meal train , we haven't had to worry about food at all, which simplifies life quite a bit. The hardest part is that the baby's "simple" needs are not a...

I'm halfway through my 37th week of pregnancy now, and this baby is going to be born any time in the coming weeks! We made it to term, which feels like a huge accomplishment.  Pregnancy has been so much harder than I had ever imagined. This is not to say I've had the worst pregnancy possible, as I'm grateful that neither I nor the baby have had any threatening health problems. But I haven't been able to walk or get up without pain for the past seven months, which has been a huge challenge and lifestyle change for me. Add to that the more typical "joys" of pregnancy like insomnia, indigestion, swelling, etc. and I have just had enough. I want to feel at home in my body again! Of course it will be forever changed by giving birth (who knows what postpartum surprises await me), but I have to stay positive that my body will function well again or else I might lose my mind.  The silver lining of not loving pregnancy is that I cannot wait to meet my baby! I...

Yesterday was my last day at AAPCHO and in many ways it couldn't come fast enough. Having two months notice is a mixed blessing. It allows you more time to look for a new job, but it also prolongs the inevitable. After the shock wore off, awkwardness and frustration took its place, as I dragged myself to work every day knowing I had no future there. It didn't take long for me to realize that being laid off was ultimately a good thing. This role was not a good fit for me in many respects, and I could not see myself establishing a long career at this organization. But how long would it have taken me to act on that information? Who knows. Most likely, too long. But now it's a clean slate and a new beginning. Unexpectedly, I've found a new job already. I wasn't even sure I wanted to look, but someone I had worked with on a recent project approached me to come work for her community health center . Their needs and interests were perfectly aligned with mine, so that w...

Anothe r post from the end of August, before I found out about my lay-off. I filed it away for later since I hadn't announced my pregnancy yet. --- Two years is not a particularly meaningful milestone, but this year has seen some pretty significant changes for us. I started a new job and ended my wonderemployment period, which has had both positive and negative impacts on our life. We have more money coming in, which allows us to breathe a little easier and be able to splurge on more luxuries, like vacations. The downside is that we once again have two people who come home at the end of the day with work related stress and grievances. No one wants to cook, and more chores slip by undone. I was without a doubt happier working part time, but when I reminisced with Curtis recently on how great my wonderemployment worked out, it turns out he did not remember things so fondly. He thought it was stressful and unstable, but tried to be as supportive of me as he could.  I guess t...

This post was written around the end of August, when I was finishing up my first trimester. It's taken me longer to share than I expected when I wrote it. --- I haven't posted in a while because the one thing weighing on my mind has been the one thing I haven't been ready to share. I'm pregnant. Being pregnant in the first trimester has been like carrying a monkey on my back (or front rather!) that no one else seems to see. It seems so obvious and ever present as I go about my day, but there is no one to talk to about it. (Except poor Curtis, who gets an earful every night.) I am an open book with most things in my life, so to have this be a secret, even for a few weeks, has been so foreign to me. It is strange and lonely. I didn't keep it to myself because "that's what people do", but as time went on, I began to understand more and more why it is that people do what people do. Before (and even after) I had my first ultrasound to confirm the ...