Wonderemployment

I'm writing this post from my childhood bedroom in Portland. There's still a giant moon lamp from Ikea on the wall and framed pictures of me and my friends from middle school and high school. There is also now a baby sleeping in a crib at the foot of the bed, and a dresser drawer filled with my husband's clothes.  I used to feel strange coming home, and seeing all the places I had made memories with people no longer in my life. Being here felt heavy and I couldn't shake the pervasive feeling of loss and regret. The constant rain and drizzly weather didn't help. As years have passed that feeling has transformed, and I've learned to love coming home again. The memories just remind me of the changes that have forced me to pivot, and to break free, and to grow.  Slowly new memories take up more and more space in my heart. There was Curtis' first trip to Portland with me, not knowing yet that it would be the first of many. There's the daily expectation of...

My cousin asked people to write letters to her daughter for her 13th birthday with advice, thoughts, and reflections. I loved the idea, but it took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to say. There is so much to say to someone so young. And we are all on such different paths, who knows if any advice is the right advice. I'm not sure that I whittled it down to the right things, but here is my letter. --- Dear Cate, Thirteen is one of the most vivid years of my life, mostly because it was one of the hardest. Many adults will try to tell you how easy you have it now--no responsibilities, no work, no bills to pay-- but I don't know a single adult who would rather be 13 than 30. I don't say this to fill you with dread, but more to let you know that if things feel hard and confusing, it's not just you. It's universal. It's nature's hazing ritual. If you're feeling any pressure that these should be the best years of your life, let it go. There ar...

1. Hear baby crying for another hour on end and fantasize about going back to work. 2. Casually search your usual suspects for job openings. You know, just to see what's out there... 3. Find something that actually looks pretty good! 4. Decide it wouldn't hurt to apply-- probably won't get it anyway. 5. Send in your application and forget about it. 6. A month later, get invited to interview. 7. Ask a friend to babysit so you can actually accept the interview. (Thank you Trisha!) 8. Try on all your interview-appropriate clothes and realize that pants are out of the question and only one dress zips up and doesn't look like it will bust at the seams. Go with that. 9. Have a great interview and then get really nervous about what a great interview could mean. 10. Get invited for a second interview. (Crap, time to find another outfit...) 11. Have your mom dig out some maternity pants that you swore you were done with. Ahh yes, hello elastic waistband! 12. Wo...

I did it! I crossed off all my 30 for 30 items by the end of my birthday month (the 30th!). I wasn't sure when I initiated it whether it would end up being fun or overwhelming, but it turned out perfectly. August and September have been so full of celebration and sweetness, I feel absolutely spoiled by it all. The only time I felt rushed or forced was when I convinced myself to make the mac and cheese in grueling heat because I knew it was the last weekend of September, and I couldn't envision having time to do it on the few remaining weekdays. Other than that, I was able to make plans AND be spontaneous to make this truly the best birthday ever. It wasn't just the actual things or activities that made this list fun to fulfill; it was the people. I spent time with friends I made in high school, college, my first years in SF, friends I met through Curtis, through my work and volunteerism, all the way up to friends I've just recently met through being Holly's mom. I...

I've been talking about my birthday a lot this year... It feels a bit silly and self-centered, but I've been having a great time crossing things off my  #MaiLe30for30 list (18/30 at the time of this post)! As I mentioned in my previous birthday post , part of the reason for all this fanfare is because this last year has been pretty challenging and I feel like a little celebration is in order. But it's actually more than that. Part of it has been a lifetime in the waiting. I think everyone has a spiritual age. I know a few people who really are kids at heart, and I have one friend in particular who is just waiting to become an old lady (the elegant, St. John's wearing type, not a lonely cat lady...). For most of my youth, I definitely felt older than my age. I was always a more serious kid, and experiencing family trauma at a young age forced me to mature a little earlier. I know now that I didn't have it rough compared to many kids in our country, but I reme...

As we get ready to celebrate our anniversary, I want to take some time to reflect on how becoming parents has changed our marriage. I know for me, this transition was one of my biggest fears about having a baby. How would it change us ? Would it ruin this good thing we had going? I hear this anxiety from friends too, who are weighing the question of when and if to have kids. There's no universal answer and I'm sure things will wax and wane with each passing year, but for us, I've been relieved to find that our good thing has only gotten better. I share this not to brag how much I looooove my spouse, or to imply that we're some extraordinary couple without scars and squabbles, but to offer a counter narrative to the one I've heard so much, that having a baby will make you resent your partner, forget about romance, and generally become unhappy. (See exhibit A , B, and C .) It's not that those personal perspectives and research data are not valid, but there ...

I am fast approaching my 30th birthday in September. For most of my life, I've felt like my birthday has been a bust. For one thing, it often fell on or near the first day of school, which was when friendships were most in flux. I also didn't feel very confident about myself, so thinking of who to invite and what the group dynamic would be like filled me with anxiety. (It kind of still does.) As time went on I just pretended not to care, wouldn't plan anything, then felt vaguely depressed when the day rolled around without fanfare. This year, I want to do something different. I want to do something BIG. After this past year, of having a painful pregnancy, getting laid off, making some big life decisions, and caring for a new baby, I am unashamed to say I deserve some celebration ! Doing something "big" is a bit challenging with a little one, and without the extra income. I've spent the last month racking my brain for what I could do, but nothing seemed like ...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much knowledge and experience I've gained in just a few months of motherhood. I see now why people love giving parenting advice. When you've been through the gauntlet, you feel you must share it all-- what you experienced, how you felt, what you'd do differently, what you're most proud of. But everyone's gauntlet is full of different obstacles, different circumstances, and different outcomes. So I don't want to give anyone advice. This is just a few things I've come to learn so far, some reassuring words I'd offer myself if I could. A mother's intuition is real, and you've got it. I read a lot of articles and stories where moms would refer to their intuition, and how they just "knew" something was wrong with their baby, or how you have to do what "feels" right to you as a parent. While I absolutely believe in my intuition as a powerful voice to listen to, I didn't quite beli...

When people say time flies with a baby, they really mean it. In the first month, caring for Holly was so exhausting and so new, every day seemed like an eternity. But somewhere along the way, my perception of time flipped, and now I have no idea how three months have already gone by. Like most new parents, we take tons of pictures of the baby. I scroll through them daily, amazed at how much she's grown and changed already. I understand now how parents are so proud of every little milestone. (She can lift her head up! She can kind of almost reach out for that toy!) When she was born, she was so tiny and helpless, balled up so tight as if still missing the womb. At three months, she seems so sophisticated and worldly in comparison, able to look around, smile, "talk", and recognize us. It is more rewarding to watch her grow than I ever could have imagined. If you've ever planted a seed and rejoiced that it actually sprouted, you'll know what I mean. It's no big...

What a whirlwind the last two weeks have been. We welcomed our beautiful, healthy baby Holly into the world and just like that, we became parents. I am someone's mother! It's hard to give the hugeness of that much thought though because we're just trying to keep things afloat. Bringing home a newborn is both easier and harder than I had imagined. Her needs really are simple: milk, a clean diaper, and some love and affection. So far, she doesn't cry for anything other than those things. We don't sleep more than 2.5 hours at a time (and we would consider that a good stretch!), but that has been relatively manageable since we don't have anywhere to be in the morning and can nap whenever the opportunity arises. Between my mom's cooking and our amazing friends that have contributed to our  meal train , we haven't had to worry about food at all, which simplifies life quite a bit. The hardest part is that the baby's "simple" needs are not a...

I'm halfway through my 37th week of pregnancy now, and this baby is going to be born any time in the coming weeks! We made it to term, which feels like a huge accomplishment.  Pregnancy has been so much harder than I had ever imagined. This is not to say I've had the worst pregnancy possible, as I'm grateful that neither I nor the baby have had any threatening health problems. But I haven't been able to walk or get up without pain for the past seven months, which has been a huge challenge and lifestyle change for me. Add to that the more typical "joys" of pregnancy like insomnia, indigestion, swelling, etc. and I have just had enough. I want to feel at home in my body again! Of course it will be forever changed by giving birth (who knows what postpartum surprises await me), but I have to stay positive that my body will function well again or else I might lose my mind.  The silver lining of not loving pregnancy is that I cannot wait to meet my baby! I...

Often my blog drafts begin as emails to myself that I write during my commute or while I'm traveling. Sometimes they make it straight to the blog, and other times they end up in draft folder purgatory. I was sorting through my emails recently and came across this post that I wrote last summer. It still seems relevant and worth sharing, especially since today is the second anniversary of this blog. This blog has been such a rewarding project for me. It has helped me to think about my experiences in a different way, to open doors for bigger conversations, and to reclaim my long lost love: writing. --- I spent my flight to Minneapolis reading Katie Couric's The Best Advice I Ever Got: Lessons from Extraordinary Lives . I think under regular circumstances I would find the essays a bit cliched. The overarching themes are to be expected: work hard, follow your passions, be kind to others. But I find myself once again with the stirring feeling that I am not where I am supposed...