Wonderemployment

I started this blog in January 2014 when one of my grants ended and my organization moved me to another project on a much more limited basis. I felt so unmoored by the shift, wondering who I was if not a good, productive, upwardly mobile professional. (Just to be clear, I no longer believe you have to work full time to be productive, and definitely don't believe anyone's worth is tied to their employment!) A lot has changed since then. I've had five job changes, earned my MPH, had two kids, started a Buy Nothing group (practically a part time job), and navigated a pandemic. I'm also no longer underemployed! Last month I started a new job with my local public health department. It's meaningful work that is challenging, well-compensated (by my standards), in line with my experience and education, and has potential for growth and advancement-- all the things I've wanted in a job since I started this blog. I've been around enough to know that not everything wor...

Before you keep reading, I want you to know this post talks about pregnancy loss. If this is a sensitive topic for you, please take care. March started on high note with Holly’s birthday. On the first of the month, we had her first big party. There were lots of friends, lots of cake, and a festive mood throughout. I loved seeing her sweet, knowing smile as she stepped behind the cake, assuming the role of birthday girl for everyone to sing to. My big girl, my pride and joy. That day seems like a lifetime ago. Remember when parties were a thing? While coronavirus was in the news, we didn’t even think of canceling. It didn’t seem to be a big threat yet. That would change so quickly in the coming weeks, and I am thankful we got to celebrate in such a big way before having to close ourselves off. I thought the second week of March was going to bring more joy. I went to the doctor for an initial ultrasound, at around 8 weeks pregnant. People generally have to wait that long to be s...

I haven't written in a few months, but not for lack of desire. There's been so much I've wanted to say about my experience in grad school so far, and there are even some pieces of writing I've done for class that I've considered sharing. But for the past 16 weeks, the stream of work has been unrelenting, and writing for pleasure and reflection has taken a back burner. Now that I can come up for air, I find myself struggling to string together thoughts. To start with the good, we did it!! We made it through the first semester of grad school. It's just one out of five, but I've been told it's the hardest since it has the biggest course load, and requires the biggest adjustment back into student life. But as of yesterday, here we are on the other side. I say "we" because this was truly a family affair. I am so proud of Curtis' hard work, and Holly's resilience. Some other time, I will write more about the logistics of how we've ma...

It's been a busy summer around here to say the least. We finally moved into our house, I left my job and started a new one, and I also started grad school. We're navigating new schedules, new commutes, and new responsibilities. Through it all, our anniversary hasn't been anywhere near the forefront of our minds and currently we have nothing planned to celebrate it. This is pretty representative of where we are in our marriage. It's a well-oiled machine humming along in the background, not demanding much attention or thought. I appreciate this, because with so much in flux externally, it's nice to have refuge at home, or as much refuge as possible with a toddler in the mix. I try not to get complacent though, because things don't just "work" on their own and the last thing I want to do is ruin the best thing I have by assuming it will always stay that way. We have talked a lot this summer about how our roles and responsibilities will change with s...

Today is my last day off. Ever.  That's not true of course, but it feels a bit that way because next week I'm back to work full time. I definitely feel ready, but it's bittersweet too. As a recap, I haven't worked full time since November 2015, when I was six months pregnant and got laid off. (That sounds bad, but the two events are unrelated.) I accepted a new job shortly after that, but called it quits by February to give my big aching body a rest, and to prepare for Holly's arrival. It was difficult to choose to have no job to return to, but it was undoubtedly the right decision for me. I am so fortunate that I had an open timeline after she was born to recover from birth, be completely focused on her, and figure out what to do next professionally. After seven months at home I unexpectedly found a job that excited me, and went back to work 24 hours per week. Now, at one year, I'm starting full time. Looking back, it was terrifying not knowing what 2016 wou...

Today, I did not enjoy being a mom. I did not enjoy waking up to a crying baby. I did not enjoy taking a sick day for my laryngitis, yet not being able to get any extra rest. I did not enjoy cutting up her breakfast into tiny squares. I did not enjoy hearing her whine while I made that breakfast. I did not enjoy pulling peanut butter out of her hair. I did not enjoy her "vocal exercises" of screeching and screaming. I did not enjoy hearing her wake up from her morning nap too early. I did not enjoy the THREE catastrophic diapers she prepared for me today. I did not enjoy her piercing cries at having her diaper and clothes changed. I did not enjoy having no voice to comfort her complaining. I did not enjoy crying while she cried; it really hurt my throat! I did not enjoy the eyedrops I needed to use for the pinkeye she gave me. I did not enjoy taking things away from her that shouldn't be used as toys. I did not enjoy picking soggy Cheerios off her shirt at snack time, ...

I'm writing this post from my childhood bedroom in Portland. There's still a giant moon lamp from Ikea on the wall and framed pictures of me and my friends from middle school and high school. There is also now a baby sleeping in a crib at the foot of the bed, and a dresser drawer filled with my husband's clothes.  I used to feel strange coming home, and seeing all the places I had made memories with people no longer in my life. Being here felt heavy and I couldn't shake the pervasive feeling of loss and regret. The constant rain and drizzly weather didn't help. As years have passed that feeling has transformed, and I've learned to love coming home again. The memories just remind me of the changes that have forced me to pivot, and to break free, and to grow.  Slowly new memories take up more and more space in my heart. There was Curtis' first trip to Portland with me, not knowing yet that it would be the first of many. There's the daily expectation of...

I've been talking about my birthday a lot this year... It feels a bit silly and self-centered, but I've been having a great time crossing things off my  #MaiLe30for30 list (18/30 at the time of this post)! As I mentioned in my previous birthday post , part of the reason for all this fanfare is because this last year has been pretty challenging and I feel like a little celebration is in order. But it's actually more than that. Part of it has been a lifetime in the waiting. I think everyone has a spiritual age. I know a few people who really are kids at heart, and I have one friend in particular who is just waiting to become an old lady (the elegant, St. John's wearing type, not a lonely cat lady...). For most of my youth, I definitely felt older than my age. I was always a more serious kid, and experiencing family trauma at a young age forced me to mature a little earlier. I know now that I didn't have it rough compared to many kids in our country, but I reme...

As we get ready to celebrate our anniversary, I want to take some time to reflect on how becoming parents has changed our marriage. I know for me, this transition was one of my biggest fears about having a baby. How would it change us ? Would it ruin this good thing we had going? I hear this anxiety from friends too, who are weighing the question of when and if to have kids. There's no universal answer and I'm sure things will wax and wane with each passing year, but for us, I've been relieved to find that our good thing has only gotten better. I share this not to brag how much I looooove my spouse, or to imply that we're some extraordinary couple without scars and squabbles, but to offer a counter narrative to the one I've heard so much, that having a baby will make you resent your partner, forget about romance, and generally become unhappy. (See exhibit A , B, and C .) It's not that those personal perspectives and research data are not valid, but there ...

When people say time flies with a baby, they really mean it. In the first month, caring for Holly was so exhausting and so new, every day seemed like an eternity. But somewhere along the way, my perception of time flipped, and now I have no idea how three months have already gone by. Like most new parents, we take tons of pictures of the baby. I scroll through them daily, amazed at how much she's grown and changed already. I understand now how parents are so proud of every little milestone. (She can lift her head up! She can kind of almost reach out for that toy!) When she was born, she was so tiny and helpless, balled up so tight as if still missing the womb. At three months, she seems so sophisticated and worldly in comparison, able to look around, smile, "talk", and recognize us. It is more rewarding to watch her grow than I ever could have imagined. If you've ever planted a seed and rejoiced that it actually sprouted, you'll know what I mean. It's no big...

What a whirlwind the last two weeks have been. We welcomed our beautiful, healthy baby Holly into the world and just like that, we became parents. I am someone's mother! It's hard to give the hugeness of that much thought though because we're just trying to keep things afloat. Bringing home a newborn is both easier and harder than I had imagined. Her needs really are simple: milk, a clean diaper, and some love and affection. So far, she doesn't cry for anything other than those things. We don't sleep more than 2.5 hours at a time (and we would consider that a good stretch!), but that has been relatively manageable since we don't have anywhere to be in the morning and can nap whenever the opportunity arises. Between my mom's cooking and our amazing friends that have contributed to our  meal train , we haven't had to worry about food at all, which simplifies life quite a bit. The hardest part is that the baby's "simple" needs are not a...

I'm halfway through my 37th week of pregnancy now, and this baby is going to be born any time in the coming weeks! We made it to term, which feels like a huge accomplishment.  Pregnancy has been so much harder than I had ever imagined. This is not to say I've had the worst pregnancy possible, as I'm grateful that neither I nor the baby have had any threatening health problems. But I haven't been able to walk or get up without pain for the past seven months, which has been a huge challenge and lifestyle change for me. Add to that the more typical "joys" of pregnancy like insomnia, indigestion, swelling, etc. and I have just had enough. I want to feel at home in my body again! Of course it will be forever changed by giving birth (who knows what postpartum surprises await me), but I have to stay positive that my body will function well again or else I might lose my mind.  The silver lining of not loving pregnancy is that I cannot wait to meet my baby! I...

Yesterday was my last day at AAPCHO and in many ways it couldn't come fast enough. Having two months notice is a mixed blessing. It allows you more time to look for a new job, but it also prolongs the inevitable. After the shock wore off, awkwardness and frustration took its place, as I dragged myself to work every day knowing I had no future there. It didn't take long for me to realize that being laid off was ultimately a good thing. This role was not a good fit for me in many respects, and I could not see myself establishing a long career at this organization. But how long would it have taken me to act on that information? Who knows. Most likely, too long. But now it's a clean slate and a new beginning. Unexpectedly, I've found a new job already. I wasn't even sure I wanted to look, but someone I had worked with on a recent project approached me to come work for her community health center . Their needs and interests were perfectly aligned with mine, so that w...

Anothe r post from the end of August, before I found out about my lay-off. I filed it away for later since I hadn't announced my pregnancy yet. --- Two years is not a particularly meaningful milestone, but this year has seen some pretty significant changes for us. I started a new job and ended my wonderemployment period, which has had both positive and negative impacts on our life. We have more money coming in, which allows us to breathe a little easier and be able to splurge on more luxuries, like vacations. The downside is that we once again have two people who come home at the end of the day with work related stress and grievances. No one wants to cook, and more chores slip by undone. I was without a doubt happier working part time, but when I reminisced with Curtis recently on how great my wonderemployment worked out, it turns out he did not remember things so fondly. He thought it was stressful and unstable, but tried to be as supportive of me as he could.  I guess t...

This post was written around the end of August, when I was finishing up my first trimester. It's taken me longer to share than I expected when I wrote it. --- I haven't posted in a while because the one thing weighing on my mind has been the one thing I haven't been ready to share. I'm pregnant. Being pregnant in the first trimester has been like carrying a monkey on my back (or front rather!) that no one else seems to see. It seems so obvious and ever present as I go about my day, but there is no one to talk to about it. (Except poor Curtis, who gets an earful every night.) I am an open book with most things in my life, so to have this be a secret, even for a few weeks, has been so foreign to me. It is strange and lonely. I didn't keep it to myself because "that's what people do", but as time went on, I began to understand more and more why it is that people do what people do. Before (and even after) I had my first ultrasound to confirm the ...

Back in April, Curtis and I took a weekend-long photography workshop up in Point Reyes. Neither of us had taken any photography classes or trips before, but I wanted to try it out because it's an interest we both share, and because Point Reyes is truly my happy place. With this workshop we got to stay inside the actual park, at the Historic Lifeboat Station. The accommodations were "rustic" but we were serenaded by the ocean and dozens of elephant seals. It was unique to say the least. The whole workshop focused on beaches . We probably visited five or six beaches throughout the weekend, each with their own characteristics and charms. Our instructor,  Gary Crabbe , was familiar with each one and had an intuition for which ones would be best to go at which hour of the day, based on the weather, to get some interesting pictures. He was pretty hands off in terms of instruction, but very approachable when we wanted tips or advice. Most of the attendees were retired an...

A few weeks ago, my family came to visit. The first night at dinner, my mom kept looking at my belly "knowingly" and finally asked me if I was pregnant. I am not. SOMEONE BRING ME SOME TEQUILA RIGHT NOW SO I CAN SHOW HOW NOT PREGNANT I AM. Throughout the weekend, she asked me some thinly veiled questions about my "health habits", trying to figure out where things must have gone awry for me to look like this. Then came Mother's Day. I called her and she told me it was nice to visit San Francisco and that Curtis looked so slim and in better shape than ever . Kudos to him. It took all my willpower to not throw my phone through the window. When I hung up, I just sobbed.  I am not sharing this to malign my mom. She comes from a different culture where comments about weight are not unusual. Years ago, I told her these remarks hurt my feelings, and her response was, "if I don't tell you, who will?".  (Umm... mainstream media? My mirror?) Somewhere deep ...

A little recap of the tumultuous, yet glorious year of 2014...  PS. I've been using this infographic design program, Piktochart , at work, and couldn't resist trying it out for personal use too. It's pretty fun! I use the Pro version at work, but used the free version for this one (since I share the work account with the whole office!). The main difference is the watermark and the download format options. If you've ever wanted to make an infographic for work or pleasure but are not a graphic designer, I highly recommend checking it out!

I haven't done New Year's resolutions in a long time because like most people, I fall off the wagon within a month or two and never get back on. It seems like a yearly ritual in letting yourself down, so I just don't bother with the self-inflicted punishment anymore. My old resolutions (or at least the ones I can remember) were pretty typical: Work out more (3x/week!) Read more (2 books/month!) Be better at keeping in touch with friends Cook more  Spend less money What I've realized is that the turn of the calendar is not going to change who you fundamentally are. I don't read more because I enjoy doing other things more than I enjoy reading... yet somehow I feel this pressure to read because that is what smart people do. Exercise is good for me, but where there is no will, there is no way, and most days, you guessed it... I have no will. Putting intentional effort into self-improvement is good, but I'm pretty tired of our culture's obsessive...