A while back my mentee G and I were sitting at Starbucks, talking. She's been going through a rough time, and is struggling to get to a stable place emotionally. I tried to help her talk through things and think of some strategies to cope, but in her voice and in her face, I could see that it all seemed insurmountable. She said something along the lines of "I don't think I'm cut out to be happy".
I told her that I used to feel that way too, that happiness seemed like something that other people could have, but not me. She looked incredulous and said that I was so positive and cheerful, she could never imagine me being depressed. It meant a lot to hear her say that, because for the majority of my life, I never would have described myself in her words.
It also shocked me a bit because I've known her for two years now, watched her fight some difficult emotional battles, yet never shared with her any of my own. For the most part, that was deliberate. The program encourages mentors to maintain strong boundaries for the benefit and safety of everyone involved, which means not disclosing too many personal details or putting the burden of your problems on the youth. With this in mind, I've always kept the conversation focused on her, which was very natural anyway for a talkative teen.
But at this moment, it occurred to me that perhaps I had done a disservice to her by never before mentioning my struggles with depression. I realized that she must have thought I was always this way, born with a cheery disposition and a love of pink hearts. Perhaps I was born that way, but somewhere along the way, it got derailed. Who knows.
So after having that perfect image of me shattered, she asked me the next logical question, which was "How did you become happy then?". To which I said, "Girl, that sh*t takes work.". Okay, not really. I didn't use the s-word, as I am supposed to be a good role model and all.
But it's true. It does take work, and intentional effort. I don't buy that cliched advice of "decide to be happy, and you will be". I mean, don't we all want to be happy? It clearly isn't as simple as using sheer will, or else self-help books and women's magazines would cease to exist. Empty platitudes like that also sort of shame people into thinking that they're a failure for not being happy, as if they didn't want it badly enough... which only makes them unhappier. At least that has been my experience.
Simply resolving to be happy does not work for me. This is what does work for me:
1. Surrounding myself with good people. There is no one I spend more time with than Curtis, and he truly makes every day a good day. He supplies hugs and encouraging words daily, and has an optimistic outlook on life. He also lets me listen to Taylor Swift on repeat. I also have a wise mother, a supportive sister, and a handful of friends with whom I can share genuine emotions, whether happiness, fear, sadness, or anxiety, without judgment. I also have been able to work with people who have similar values of social justice and equity and who have a great deal of wisdom on working towards this. I feel lucky, yet I also think it is more than luck. It has taken a lot of time and effort to cultivate and build these relationships, even the ones that were given to me at birth.
And on the flip side of the coin...
2. Stepping back from relationships that don't serve me. I don't exactly mean that I do an annual calculation of the net gain of all my relationships, and then ditch the ones that fall short, but rather that I've gotten more comfortable with not being everyone's friend. Over the years I've had to learn to limit my time with negative, no-one-is-as-smart-as-me, can't-believe-he-would-date-her, kind of people. Sure, the biting commentary and sarcasm can be funny, but for me, I can't hang with that anymore because that critical and mean part of me still exists and I don't want to give it fodder to grow. I want to be with people who bring out the best in me, not the worst. Through some painful lessons, I've become better and better at recognizing the difference.
3. Going to therapy. Perhaps this should be #1. I don't go anymore, but if I had to trace back and find one turning point towards my happiness, it would be therapy. This is where I figured out that I was worthy of good things, that I was not broken, and that happiness might be possible for me. It sounds like a miracle, and in many ways it was. Though it was not one hallelujah breakthrough session, but actually many years, several providers, a few prescriptions, and a ton of vulnerability. I truly would recommend therapy to anyone, no matter how "sane" they are.
4. Having things I like to do. I kind of hate the small talk question, "so what kind of stuff do you like to do?" (even though I ask people sometimes) because I feel like I have to say something really interesting or impressive. My stock answers include cooking (though really I like eating way, way more), going hiking with my husband (though we're really not that outdoorsy), and photography (though please, do not start asking me about my equipment and stuff). But aside from not really loving to talk about those things, I do find so much joy in them. It's important to know what activities will invariably make you happy. For me, eating a delicious meal, being outside, and using creative energy never fail. It's nice to have these go-to strategies in my back pocket for use when necessary. And it's even nicer to know how to use them for prevention, not just cure.
5. Planning ahead. Oh how I envy spontaneous people. I have tried to be that laid back, anything goes type of gal, but it just doesn't work. Knowing that I have things to look forward to is absolutely vital for my mental health so I've gotten much better at setting myself up for success. I like having plans to meet friends, so I initiate them. I like getting mail, so I order myself presents (in moderation of course!). I like having a vacation on the horizon, so I'm always planning one. I am really thankful our jobs and lifestyles allow me to do these things because sometimes it doesn't feel like a luxury as much as a necessity. I always need to know good things are coming.
The hard part in talking to G about all this is that I know that at fifteen, so many of these things are far more out of reach for her. It's harder for kids to have perspective on the futures; their abilities to plan ahead are limited both by their number of years on Earth and the functionality of their prefrontal cortices. Teenagers also have such strong group identities and loyalties to friendships, which makes it harder for them to walk away from toxic people. Not to mention that it is just physically harder to distance oneself within the boundaries of a school. And of course, I don't expect her to be planning vacations for herself or ordering herself indulgences from Sephora with any frequency! Ultimately, it just seems so much harder to know yourself at age 15 than even at age 20. It probably took me until 25 to get a decent grip on things.
So aside from just assuring her that "it gets better", I really wasn't very confident about what to tell her. I definitely would appreciate advice from anyone out there with insight. But for now I know that just being in her life helps. I also know that I need to keep leading by example by taking care of myself. Because even though it absolutely does get better, the work is never truly done.
I told her that I used to feel that way too, that happiness seemed like something that other people could have, but not me. She looked incredulous and said that I was so positive and cheerful, she could never imagine me being depressed. It meant a lot to hear her say that, because for the majority of my life, I never would have described myself in her words.
It also shocked me a bit because I've known her for two years now, watched her fight some difficult emotional battles, yet never shared with her any of my own. For the most part, that was deliberate. The program encourages mentors to maintain strong boundaries for the benefit and safety of everyone involved, which means not disclosing too many personal details or putting the burden of your problems on the youth. With this in mind, I've always kept the conversation focused on her, which was very natural anyway for a talkative teen.
But at this moment, it occurred to me that perhaps I had done a disservice to her by never before mentioning my struggles with depression. I realized that she must have thought I was always this way, born with a cheery disposition and a love of pink hearts. Perhaps I was born that way, but somewhere along the way, it got derailed. Who knows.
So after having that perfect image of me shattered, she asked me the next logical question, which was "How did you become happy then?". To which I said, "Girl, that sh*t takes work.". Okay, not really. I didn't use the s-word, as I am supposed to be a good role model and all.
But it's true. It does take work, and intentional effort. I don't buy that cliched advice of "decide to be happy, and you will be". I mean, don't we all want to be happy? It clearly isn't as simple as using sheer will, or else self-help books and women's magazines would cease to exist. Empty platitudes like that also sort of shame people into thinking that they're a failure for not being happy, as if they didn't want it badly enough... which only makes them unhappier. At least that has been my experience.
Simply resolving to be happy does not work for me. This is what does work for me:
1. Surrounding myself with good people. There is no one I spend more time with than Curtis, and he truly makes every day a good day. He supplies hugs and encouraging words daily, and has an optimistic outlook on life. He also lets me listen to Taylor Swift on repeat. I also have a wise mother, a supportive sister, and a handful of friends with whom I can share genuine emotions, whether happiness, fear, sadness, or anxiety, without judgment. I also have been able to work with people who have similar values of social justice and equity and who have a great deal of wisdom on working towards this. I feel lucky, yet I also think it is more than luck. It has taken a lot of time and effort to cultivate and build these relationships, even the ones that were given to me at birth.
 |
| The loving and generous people I am lucky to call family. |
And on the flip side of the coin...
2. Stepping back from relationships that don't serve me. I don't exactly mean that I do an annual calculation of the net gain of all my relationships, and then ditch the ones that fall short, but rather that I've gotten more comfortable with not being everyone's friend. Over the years I've had to learn to limit my time with negative, no-one-is-as-smart-as-me, can't-believe-he-would-date-her, kind of people. Sure, the biting commentary and sarcasm can be funny, but for me, I can't hang with that anymore because that critical and mean part of me still exists and I don't want to give it fodder to grow. I want to be with people who bring out the best in me, not the worst. Through some painful lessons, I've become better and better at recognizing the difference.
3. Going to therapy. Perhaps this should be #1. I don't go anymore, but if I had to trace back and find one turning point towards my happiness, it would be therapy. This is where I figured out that I was worthy of good things, that I was not broken, and that happiness might be possible for me. It sounds like a miracle, and in many ways it was. Though it was not one hallelujah breakthrough session, but actually many years, several providers, a few prescriptions, and a ton of vulnerability. I truly would recommend therapy to anyone, no matter how "sane" they are.
 |
| Yup... sure... (Sign from 2010 Rally to Restore Sanity/Keep Fear Alive) |
4. Having things I like to do. I kind of hate the small talk question, "so what kind of stuff do you like to do?" (even though I ask people sometimes) because I feel like I have to say something really interesting or impressive. My stock answers include cooking (though really I like eating way, way more), going hiking with my husband (though we're really not that outdoorsy), and photography (though please, do not start asking me about my equipment and stuff). But aside from not really loving to talk about those things, I do find so much joy in them. It's important to know what activities will invariably make you happy. For me, eating a delicious meal, being outside, and using creative energy never fail. It's nice to have these go-to strategies in my back pocket for use when necessary. And it's even nicer to know how to use them for prevention, not just cure.
 |
| Besides hiking and taking pictures, pink also makes me happy! |
5. Planning ahead. Oh how I envy spontaneous people. I have tried to be that laid back, anything goes type of gal, but it just doesn't work. Knowing that I have things to look forward to is absolutely vital for my mental health so I've gotten much better at setting myself up for success. I like having plans to meet friends, so I initiate them. I like getting mail, so I order myself presents (in moderation of course!). I like having a vacation on the horizon, so I'm always planning one. I am really thankful our jobs and lifestyles allow me to do these things because sometimes it doesn't feel like a luxury as much as a necessity. I always need to know good things are coming.
 |
| Mar Vista, the perfect local getaway |
The hard part in talking to G about all this is that I know that at fifteen, so many of these things are far more out of reach for her. It's harder for kids to have perspective on the futures; their abilities to plan ahead are limited both by their number of years on Earth and the functionality of their prefrontal cortices. Teenagers also have such strong group identities and loyalties to friendships, which makes it harder for them to walk away from toxic people. Not to mention that it is just physically harder to distance oneself within the boundaries of a school. And of course, I don't expect her to be planning vacations for herself or ordering herself indulgences from Sephora with any frequency! Ultimately, it just seems so much harder to know yourself at age 15 than even at age 20. It probably took me until 25 to get a decent grip on things.
So aside from just assuring her that "it gets better", I really wasn't very confident about what to tell her. I definitely would appreciate advice from anyone out there with insight. But for now I know that just being in her life helps. I also know that I need to keep leading by example by taking care of myself. Because even though it absolutely does get better, the work is never truly done.
Mai - I couldn't agree with you more. Happiness takes work and intention. My husband and I have been having this conversation for a few years with particular attention to the relationships we've made and the people we've surrounded ourselves with. I want to point out where you say, "I think it is more than luck." I am in the habit of saying, "I'm so lucky," with regards to those relationships and Pat continually corrects me. He strongly believes that it is not luck at all, because relationships take work. Whenever I say, "I'm lucky," he says that I'm "fortunate" and I deserve it because I've worked for it. I still think there may be a little luck in there, though. Something to think about...
ReplyDelete-Felicity
Thank you for your thoughts Felicity! It is really hard to know how much we have control over and how much is luck... I feel like luck played a huge part in me meeting my husband, but negotiating the relationship, learning to communicate, planning our lives, making sure he feels valued, etc., is all work! I have to believe making a marriage last is not all up to luck, otherwise I would have been way too scared to enter into it. I like the term "fortunate"... it is slightly different. It acknowledges that things have gone well for you, without completely implying you had no agency in making it happen. I'll start using that!
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