DC: Lessons learned

Last week I got to spend some time in Washington, DC for a work conference. It was the first time I had been back since I moved back to the Bay Area three years ago. Leading up to the trip, I wasn't particularly excited. The time I had spent in DC had been rough for me emotionally. Curtis and I were figuring out how to be in a long distance relationship. I was struggling to find friends I could trust and lean on. My dream job was not quite the dream I thought it would be. I missed everything about being in San Francisco. 

Recalling all these feelings, I wasn't exactly jumping for joy to return to DC. But as our cab pulled into the city from National Airport, my heart felt unexpectedly full. The blue sky sweeping over the proud monuments, the bustling activity of bicyclists and joggers, the colorful array of row houses. Turns out DC is quite beautiful without the baggage. I was way beyond bitterness, or even ambivalence. I was filled instead with gratitude for all the great memories and personal connections I had made there, and the important lessons that this experience had taught me. 

I learned to go out to dinner by myself.

I learned to go to random Meet-Ups and house parties, and try to make the best of it, even though I am not the best at navigating group dynamics.

I learned to host my own dinner parties and clothing swaps, so that people would come to me, instead of vice versa. 

I learned that life goes on after mortifying experiences, such as breaking down into inconsolable tears in front of strangers. I do not judge people who cry in public, ever. 

I learned to not compare myself with the people who have a really easy time with all the things I just mentioned. I'm good at other things. 

I learned that you belong where you feel like your best self. I was not my best self in DC. I look back on how I handled certain situations, and cringe. I was in survival mode there, not "determined to rise above" mode, and I only recognize that in hindsight. Maybe that's why I didn't make more lasting friendships, who knows.
 
I learned that my intuition works. I realized somewhere between accepting the job offer and packing up my stuff, that moving was not the right choice for me at that time. But I told myself (as did others, with good intention) that I couldn't back out, that everyone else managed to do these things, and that I'd feel much better when I arrived. I didn't. I would not go so far as to say I regret the experience, because it's hard to regret anything that "builds character", but I would not intentionally ignore my intuition in such a big way again.  

With my intuition honed, I came to one of the most important realizations I've possibly ever made: that Curtis was the one. I remember sheepishly telling a friend in DC that one day while making dinner at her house. It felt silly and awkward to utter such words aloud, but allowing myself to know it and feel it fully was exactly what I needed, and it made the rest of our separation infinitely more bearable.
 
I was at first reluctant to have Curtis come with me on my first work trip with this new job, but he was excited about it, so I relented. I am so glad I did. It was redeeming for us. As we walked around and visited some of the places we used to go, we recalled some of the fights we'd had before at those spots. Only this time, we could laugh about it, and know that it was all worth it.