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Hello from the other side

What a whirlwind the last two weeks have been. We welcomed our beautiful, healthy baby Holly into the world and just like that, we became parents. I am someone's mother!

It's hard to give the hugeness of that much thought though because we're just trying to keep things afloat. Bringing home a newborn is both easier and harder than I had imagined. Her needs really are simple: milk, a clean diaper, and some love and affection. So far, she doesn't cry for anything other than those things. We don't sleep more than 2.5 hours at a time (and we would consider that a good stretch!), but that has been relatively manageable since we don't have anywhere to be in the morning and can nap whenever the opportunity arises. Between my mom's cooking and our amazing friends that have contributed to our meal train, we haven't had to worry about food at all, which simplifies life quite a bit.


The hardest part is that the baby's "simple" needs are not actually that simple. Her milk doesn't come from the grocery store... it comes from me. My baby books and breastfeeding class did not prepare me for what a commitment that would be. They talked about the benefits, the mechanics, the challenges a mother could face, but it all seemed so abstract. I didn't visualize my own body in the act when I learned about these things and I somehow thought that after giving birth, I would be done sacrificing my body for this child. That might sound harsh, but pregnancy and birth really do demand so much of our bodies and I was not-so-secretly looking forward to the finish line. Over the first week of her life I quickly realized that by offering her my breasts for nourishment, our bodies would remain intertwined for much, much longer. As long as I remain committed to breastfeeding her, she will completely depend on my body to live. Whoa. I am waiting for that to feel like a beautiful, special bonding experience. But so far, it has been painful, emotionally fraught, and exhausting. Is it supposed to feel this way? Is she getting enough? Do I want to be comfortable, or do I want my baby to live?? I stare at our baby app, which tracks her feedings and diaper changes, and think: This is my life now?


Things are slowly improving. I have been getting support from lactation consultants (a free service through Kaiser, thank goodness!) and from moms who have been there who can tell me it does get better. I'm learning, the baby is learning. Hormones are balancing out, I'm getting stronger, and the sun is finally back after a long stretch of heavy rain. I'm supposed to take it easy for six weeks because I had a c-section, but yesterday we went out for bubble tea and a very brief walk at the park, finally testing our stroller out. It was wonderful to feel the sunshine, look down at Holly and up at Curtis, and realize: Yes, this is my life now... and it's going to be good. 
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