On Marriage: Year Three

As we get ready to celebrate our anniversary, I want to take some time to reflect on how becoming parents has changed our marriage. I know for me, this transition was one of my biggest fears about having a baby. How would it change us? Would it ruin this good thing we had going? I hear this anxiety from friends too, who are weighing the question of when and if to have kids. There's no universal answer and I'm sure things will wax and wane with each passing year, but for us, I've been relieved to find that our good thing has only gotten better.

I share this not to brag how much I looooove my spouse, or to imply that we're some extraordinary couple without scars and squabbles, but to offer a counter narrative to the one I've heard so much, that having a baby will make you resent your partner, forget about romance, and generally become unhappy. (See exhibit A, B, and C.) It's not that those personal perspectives and research data are not valid, but there are other experiences too, and this is mine.

There really is no more vulnerable of a time in a woman's life as when she's pregnant and just had a baby. For me I felt that very acutely having lost my job and much of my mobility. I needed a lot of support, more than I have ever needed in my adult life. (It was a good preview for old age- needing to be dropped off at the door, getting help to safely step out of the shower, holding on to someone when descending the stairs.) It can be pretty scary, to feel that reliant on another person, even within a marriage. But Curtis stepped up in every single way. I remember shortly after Holly was born, I was in agony over breastfeeding. It was painful to even sit up after the c-section, it seemed impossible to get her to latch correctly, and the sound of her crying for more food (which was every 2 hours at that point) was excruciating. I was in tears, feeling like the worst mother for wanting her to just be quiet and stop needing me! Curtis gently said to me, "You're such a good mom. I can see it. You love her so much that you are trying to do this, even though it's so hard for you." It doesn't sound like anything amazing, but at a time when the wrong look or even too long of a sigh would have driven me over the edge, this was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed compassion, patience, and recognition. He never made me feel alone in the struggle, even though it was my body and my decision to breastfeed. In those moments when I doubted myself and was lifted back up because of his confidence, I knew I had picked the right person to lean on, to be vulnerable with.

Delivered to us at the hospital by a dear friend!

It's not just getting through the hard times that has made us stronger. Holly has brought such extraordinary joy to our lives, beyond what we could have ever imagined. Every day, we study her and talk about how adorable she is, and marvel at all the little things she's learning to do. We are just living embodiments of that heart-eye emoji. I read somewhere once that having a baby is like having a new crush. They're all you think about, you never get tired of looking at them, everything reminds you of them. We're in that phase right now, together. It's nice to be able to text someone, "wow, she put the pacifier back in her mouth by herself!" and actually have them care. And every night once she's put to bed, we give each other a look of victory, as if we've won parenting, at least for the day. Like on any team project or team sport, it feels good to succeed together. I am filled with pride watching Curtis become such an amazing dad, and I know he feels the same about me becoming a mom. We both know we're contributing to something greater than ourselves, and it's wonderful.

I don't really like the phrase "starting a family" because I think two people can be a family, and children do not necessarily need to be part of that equation. But I will say that we are now building a family. No matter what that brings, I never want to forget that we, as a couple, are the foundation. We are the charter members, we are Team Parents. Here's to a winning year ahead... May we continue to lean on each other and lift each other up. (And take many coffee breaks, as needed.)

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Throwback:
On Marriage: Year Two
On Marriage: Year One