Thirty.

I've been talking about my birthday a lot this year... It feels a bit silly and self-centered, but I've been having a great time crossing things off my #MaiLe30for30 list (18/30 at the time of this post)! As I mentioned in my previous birthday post, part of the reason for all this fanfare is because this last year has been pretty challenging and I feel like a little celebration is in order. But it's actually more than that. Part of it has been a lifetime in the waiting.

I think everyone has a spiritual age. I know a few people who really are kids at heart, and I have one friend in particular who is just waiting to become an old lady (the elegant, St. John's wearing type, not a lonely cat lady...). For most of my youth, I definitely felt older than my age. I was always a more serious kid, and experiencing family trauma at a young age forced me to mature a little earlier. I know now that I didn't have it rough compared to many kids in our country, but I remember back then just longing to be as carefree as my classmates. In high school and college, I had a few good friends and my faithful roommates, but I was not the "fun" girl people wanted to hang out with on the weekends (unless it was for Key Club service projects--woohoo!). It didn't hurt my feelings, because socializing was exhausting for me. Going to parties, getting wasted, hooking up, and even making small talk just seemed like a waste of time, though part of me wished so badly I could have fun doing it. I wanted stability in the form of a career, a family, a house, and an herb garden. I was just waiting for that to be age-appropriate.

With every year that passes, I've been able to become less and less defensive about who I am. No one has told me to loosen up for years, thank goodness! Older people don't patronize me nearly as often, assuming I have no "life experience". I don't have to force myself to go out just to save face and not lose friends. Meeting for brunch and staying in with a glass of wine are cool now. Unfortunately, more and more people my age have experienced loss and hardships in their own lives, which make them more empathetic and less judgmental of mine. I can be myself more than I've ever been able to before.

My mentor in college, Heather, was/is an amazing influence in my life. She heard me and saw me in a way no other adult had before. She taught me that it was okay to be sensitive and to be serious, and that my perceived weaknesses would ultimately be my greatest strengths. At 20 she gently warned me that the next few years could be hard, but that my thirties were waiting for me after that. She predicted that I would flourish then. I kept her words in mind these last ten years every time things felt hard and I found myself desperately lonely and confused about my direction in life.

I'm only at the beginning of this new decade, but I believe she was right. My calendar age and my spiritual age are finally meeting, and I have already felt a lot of weight dropping from my shoulders in the prcoess. Who knows what awaits now that I'm free from the baggage of youth. I'm going to have to call Heather and see what I should expect for forty...