My cousin asked people to write letters to her daughter for her 13th birthday with advice, thoughts, and reflections. I loved the idea, but it took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to say. There is so much to say to someone so young. And we are all on such different paths, who knows if any advice is the right advice. I'm not sure that I whittled it down to the right things, but here is my letter.
---
Dear Cate,
Thirteen is one of the most vivid years of my life, mostly because it was one of the hardest. Many adults will try to tell you how easy you have it now--no responsibilities, no work, no bills to pay-- but I don't know a single adult who would rather be 13 than 30. I don't say this to fill you with dread, but more to let you know that if things feel hard and confusing, it's not just you. It's universal. It's nature's hazing ritual. If you're feeling any pressure that these should be the best years of your life, let it go.
There are a lot of things I would want to tell my younger self. I will try to choose a few things to tell you, but the difficulty with that is that you are not me. What I needed to hear may not be what you need to hear, and even if it is, maybe you will be like me and not be able to hear it until you're older. In any case, I hope you'll keep the things I share with you in a shoebox on the high shelf, and reach for it whenever it might make sense to you.
As a teenaged girl, you are part of perhaps the most dismissed demographic of all. There will be so many people (including the media) who will not take you seriously, who will put you in a small box, who will want you to be a certain way. You will face all the stereotypes of being a teenager, and more specifically, a girl: shallow, emotional, catty, flighty, weak. Please, don't buy into it. Seriously, f*** that noise. You are a whole human being. You are smart, you are capable, you have power. Do things that harness that power-- create, play, compete, form an educated opinion, and get very comfortable learning to say NO. I'm not just talking about the good ole "say no to drugs" (though it's probably best you do that too). I mean calling out people who are being cruel, turning down a date without guilt even if he's a "nice guy", refusing to go out on a limb for that one friend yet again.
I spent way too much of my youth being around negative or apathetic people. Some teenagers (and adults) fall into a trap of being afraid to like anything or anyone too much, or to show enthusiasm for the "wrong" things. Earnestness is very uncool for some reason. You can't like pop music, you can't like pumpkin spice lattes, you can't like your parents... or whatever it is the rules are that day. It's exhausting to keep up with trends and other people's opinions, so save yourself the expense and just do you. Have the courage to like what you like, and love who you love. Allow yourself to feel deeply and to be invested.
The thing about investments though is that they don't always pan out. There is a strong cultural narrative that everyone has one true calling, one true love, one destined path in life. I don't believe that. It seems weird to say now that I'm a married lady, but I've been in love many times and I don't regret it. I've been passionate about all kinds of things, from literature, to the environment, to humanitarian causes. Some things stick, many don't. There's no legend to help you differentiate in advance, but just know that it's natural for things and people to come and go. If a friendship fades or a passion loses its appeal, you don't have to force yourself to stick with it just to say you did. Thank it for what it taught you, and let it go. It doesn't mean you failed. You didn't blow your one shot. There will be others.
None of this stuff I'm talking about is simple. You will make many mistakes throughout your life trying to figure it out. When you misstep and cause hurt, apologize and take accountability. Commit to doing better next time. Learning to forgive yourself may be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. There will be lots of times when you wish you could have a redo but you can't. I don't have easy answers for that, but all I can say is that shame will eat you up if you keep it bottled inside. Whatever you think is your worst action or darkest secret, let it out to someone, somehow, no matter how scary it might feel. Don't carry that load alone.
One of the dangers of letting shame weigh us down is that it then becomes easy for someone else to become the judge of our self worth. Don't give someone else the ability to make you feel unworthy of love, respect, or safety. Be very wary of people who leave you feeling "less than". You've no doubt felt that way before in your life to some degree. Hold on to what that felt like, only so that when you feel it again, you'll know it's a sign to walk away. My wish for you is that you will hone that skill, and be able to sense it long before it has a chance to take away a piece of you.
This is the only thing I will insist you do right now. Save this number into your phone: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Yes, that's pretty heavy stuff. But in your teenage years, things can get pretty heavy pretty fast and you never know when you or a friend might need help. It's better to be prepared and never need it than the other way around. If you ever hear someone talk about harming themselves, don't ignore it or take it as a joke. Let them know help is available, call or share the number, and reach out to an adult you trust. If you ever feel hopeless, talk to someone.
Lastly, I want to tell you that while everyone always says life is short, keep in mind that life is also quite long. Remember that when you are wondering why you missed out on an opportunity, why you don't fit in, why you haven't found love, why things don't seem to be falling into place. Knock on a lot of doors, have hope, and keep moving forward. If you find yourself down the wrong path, change course. There's a lot of time to get it right. Infinite possibilities await you. It's truly a beautiful thing.
I wish you the best life ahead, dear Cate. Thanks for listening. I can't wait to see what's in store for you. Happy 13th birthday!
Love,
Mai
---
Dear Cate,
Thirteen is one of the most vivid years of my life, mostly because it was one of the hardest. Many adults will try to tell you how easy you have it now--no responsibilities, no work, no bills to pay-- but I don't know a single adult who would rather be 13 than 30. I don't say this to fill you with dread, but more to let you know that if things feel hard and confusing, it's not just you. It's universal. It's nature's hazing ritual. If you're feeling any pressure that these should be the best years of your life, let it go.
There are a lot of things I would want to tell my younger self. I will try to choose a few things to tell you, but the difficulty with that is that you are not me. What I needed to hear may not be what you need to hear, and even if it is, maybe you will be like me and not be able to hear it until you're older. In any case, I hope you'll keep the things I share with you in a shoebox on the high shelf, and reach for it whenever it might make sense to you.As a teenaged girl, you are part of perhaps the most dismissed demographic of all. There will be so many people (including the media) who will not take you seriously, who will put you in a small box, who will want you to be a certain way. You will face all the stereotypes of being a teenager, and more specifically, a girl: shallow, emotional, catty, flighty, weak. Please, don't buy into it. Seriously, f*** that noise. You are a whole human being. You are smart, you are capable, you have power. Do things that harness that power-- create, play, compete, form an educated opinion, and get very comfortable learning to say NO. I'm not just talking about the good ole "say no to drugs" (though it's probably best you do that too). I mean calling out people who are being cruel, turning down a date without guilt even if he's a "nice guy", refusing to go out on a limb for that one friend yet again.
I spent way too much of my youth being around negative or apathetic people. Some teenagers (and adults) fall into a trap of being afraid to like anything or anyone too much, or to show enthusiasm for the "wrong" things. Earnestness is very uncool for some reason. You can't like pop music, you can't like pumpkin spice lattes, you can't like your parents... or whatever it is the rules are that day. It's exhausting to keep up with trends and other people's opinions, so save yourself the expense and just do you. Have the courage to like what you like, and love who you love. Allow yourself to feel deeply and to be invested.
The thing about investments though is that they don't always pan out. There is a strong cultural narrative that everyone has one true calling, one true love, one destined path in life. I don't believe that. It seems weird to say now that I'm a married lady, but I've been in love many times and I don't regret it. I've been passionate about all kinds of things, from literature, to the environment, to humanitarian causes. Some things stick, many don't. There's no legend to help you differentiate in advance, but just know that it's natural for things and people to come and go. If a friendship fades or a passion loses its appeal, you don't have to force yourself to stick with it just to say you did. Thank it for what it taught you, and let it go. It doesn't mean you failed. You didn't blow your one shot. There will be others.
None of this stuff I'm talking about is simple. You will make many mistakes throughout your life trying to figure it out. When you misstep and cause hurt, apologize and take accountability. Commit to doing better next time. Learning to forgive yourself may be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. There will be lots of times when you wish you could have a redo but you can't. I don't have easy answers for that, but all I can say is that shame will eat you up if you keep it bottled inside. Whatever you think is your worst action or darkest secret, let it out to someone, somehow, no matter how scary it might feel. Don't carry that load alone.
One of the dangers of letting shame weigh us down is that it then becomes easy for someone else to become the judge of our self worth. Don't give someone else the ability to make you feel unworthy of love, respect, or safety. Be very wary of people who leave you feeling "less than". You've no doubt felt that way before in your life to some degree. Hold on to what that felt like, only so that when you feel it again, you'll know it's a sign to walk away. My wish for you is that you will hone that skill, and be able to sense it long before it has a chance to take away a piece of you.
This is the only thing I will insist you do right now. Save this number into your phone: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). It is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Yes, that's pretty heavy stuff. But in your teenage years, things can get pretty heavy pretty fast and you never know when you or a friend might need help. It's better to be prepared and never need it than the other way around. If you ever hear someone talk about harming themselves, don't ignore it or take it as a joke. Let them know help is available, call or share the number, and reach out to an adult you trust. If you ever feel hopeless, talk to someone.
Lastly, I want to tell you that while everyone always says life is short, keep in mind that life is also quite long. Remember that when you are wondering why you missed out on an opportunity, why you don't fit in, why you haven't found love, why things don't seem to be falling into place. Knock on a lot of doors, have hope, and keep moving forward. If you find yourself down the wrong path, change course. There's a lot of time to get it right. Infinite possibilities await you. It's truly a beautiful thing.
I wish you the best life ahead, dear Cate. Thanks for listening. I can't wait to see what's in store for you. Happy 13th birthday!
Love,
Mai
Comments
Post a Comment