Today is my last day off. Ever.
That's not true of course, but it feels a bit that way because next week I'm back to work full time. I definitely feel ready, but it's bittersweet too.
As a recap, I haven't worked full time since November 2015, when I was six months pregnant and got laid off. (That sounds bad, but the two events are unrelated.) I accepted a new job shortly after that, but called it quits by February to give my big aching body a rest, and to prepare for Holly's arrival. It was difficult to choose to have no job to return to, but it was undoubtedly the right decision for me. I am so fortunate that I had an open timeline after she was born to recover from birth, be completely focused on her, and figure out what to do next professionally. After seven months at home I unexpectedly found a job that excited me, and went back to work 24 hours per week. Now, at one year, I'm starting full time. Looking back, it was terrifying not knowing what 2016 would bring, but I thank my lucky stars that everything worked out in ways beyond what I could have planned for.
It's not a coincidence that I'm going back full time right after Holly's first birthday. I was asked to do so sooner, but I wanted to delay it until March so that I could keep Holly on breastmilk until age one. Fortunately my director understood my wishes and he let me keep my three-day schedule. Pumping is arduous, and requires serious commitment. I've had to plan meetings around it and think about refrigeration if I need to be offsite for a few hours. Then there's the bagging and cleaning each night, and remembering to pack all the parts. (On more than one occasion I've had to bring my milk home in a coffee tumbler because I forgot lids.) In addition, my supply was dipping, so I had to pump before bed and on my off days to have enough milk to send to daycare. I just knew that going from three days a week to five would break me. I don't know if it was rational to plan everything around the desire to keep her on breastmilk. But a lot of parenting decisions are not rational, and I don't want to spend much time defending the past to myself or others. I'm happy I made it to my personal finish line. Thank you, pump. Farewell, nursing bras. You were good to me, but I hope not to see you again for a few years!
Becoming a mom has changed my life, but I don't think it has changed ME. I have loved getting to spend so much time with Holly, and watch her grow each day. But I still am pretty lazy when it comes down to it, and I am more impatient than I care to admit. I am not my best self being home all day with her. I'm glad I've had the time to learn that for certain, so that I can return to work with full confidence that this is right for all of us. No regrets, no what-ifs.
I look at Holly and how joyful and affectionate she is, and it gives me reassurance that everything is as it should be. She loves her daycare. She eats and sleeps well. She comes home happy. There is no way to overstate what a big part that plays in my readiness and comfort in working full time. Knowing she is well cared for gives me the freedom to do what is best for me. Daycare is expensive, but worth every penny for what it enables.
So yes, we're all ready to complete this transition. But a small part of me will miss these days at home. I relished this last day by staying in my pajamas until 11, watching Jane the Virgin reruns, and treating myself to an iced cappuccino. I also took Holly to the doctor, returned stuff at the mall, and wrote this post. Thursdays are not going to be like this anymore for a while.
And so concludes another chapter of wonderemployment.
That's not true of course, but it feels a bit that way because next week I'm back to work full time. I definitely feel ready, but it's bittersweet too.
As a recap, I haven't worked full time since November 2015, when I was six months pregnant and got laid off. (That sounds bad, but the two events are unrelated.) I accepted a new job shortly after that, but called it quits by February to give my big aching body a rest, and to prepare for Holly's arrival. It was difficult to choose to have no job to return to, but it was undoubtedly the right decision for me. I am so fortunate that I had an open timeline after she was born to recover from birth, be completely focused on her, and figure out what to do next professionally. After seven months at home I unexpectedly found a job that excited me, and went back to work 24 hours per week. Now, at one year, I'm starting full time. Looking back, it was terrifying not knowing what 2016 would bring, but I thank my lucky stars that everything worked out in ways beyond what I could have planned for.
It's not a coincidence that I'm going back full time right after Holly's first birthday. I was asked to do so sooner, but I wanted to delay it until March so that I could keep Holly on breastmilk until age one. Fortunately my director understood my wishes and he let me keep my three-day schedule. Pumping is arduous, and requires serious commitment. I've had to plan meetings around it and think about refrigeration if I need to be offsite for a few hours. Then there's the bagging and cleaning each night, and remembering to pack all the parts. (On more than one occasion I've had to bring my milk home in a coffee tumbler because I forgot lids.) In addition, my supply was dipping, so I had to pump before bed and on my off days to have enough milk to send to daycare. I just knew that going from three days a week to five would break me. I don't know if it was rational to plan everything around the desire to keep her on breastmilk. But a lot of parenting decisions are not rational, and I don't want to spend much time defending the past to myself or others. I'm happy I made it to my personal finish line. Thank you, pump. Farewell, nursing bras. You were good to me, but I hope not to see you again for a few years!Becoming a mom has changed my life, but I don't think it has changed ME. I have loved getting to spend so much time with Holly, and watch her grow each day. But I still am pretty lazy when it comes down to it, and I am more impatient than I care to admit. I am not my best self being home all day with her. I'm glad I've had the time to learn that for certain, so that I can return to work with full confidence that this is right for all of us. No regrets, no what-ifs.
I look at Holly and how joyful and affectionate she is, and it gives me reassurance that everything is as it should be. She loves her daycare. She eats and sleeps well. She comes home happy. There is no way to overstate what a big part that plays in my readiness and comfort in working full time. Knowing she is well cared for gives me the freedom to do what is best for me. Daycare is expensive, but worth every penny for what it enables.
So yes, we're all ready to complete this transition. But a small part of me will miss these days at home. I relished this last day by staying in my pajamas until 11, watching Jane the Virgin reruns, and treating myself to an iced cappuccino. I also took Holly to the doctor, returned stuff at the mall, and wrote this post. Thursdays are not going to be like this anymore for a while.
And so concludes another chapter of wonderemployment.
Well said. Full time at home is hard and although it's bittersweet, full time work for me was the right thing too. Can't believe it's been a year. So happy that it sounds like this is by far your best year yet.
ReplyDelete