With G graduating high school last week I've been reflecting a lot on our journey together. I’m so proud of her, and I’m grateful to be able to experience this feeling. I’ve been proud of friends and loved ones before, but this experience is new to me because of how invested I have been in her well-being and how closely I’ve watched her grow. (I can only imagine how her father feels, or how I will feel when Holly reaches these kinds of milestones.) I enjoyed her graduation ceremony much more than my own. For many of us, graduating high school was a given. Getting into college was not something our parents hoped we would do; it was an expectation. I realize now that those of us who grew up this way were extremely privileged. No one in her family has ever been to college before. It wasn’t always clear that she would make it to this point. But she did it. Seeing her walk triumphantly across the stage was really special.
Beyond being proud of her, I am proud of what we've built together. Relationships of all sorts require work and this one is no different. I mostly share the happy pictures and the good times, but there have been many low points too, especially at the beginning. We used to meet weekly, or at least that was the expectation. There were many unreturned texts, scheduling miscommunications, thankless tasks, and other frustrations. It went beyond logistical annoyances, of course. I saw her traverse mental health challenges, social and romantic woes, family strains, financial issues, academic problems, and more. Being by her side and listening empathetically through those times wasn’t easy. Sometimes it's been hard because the problems fall squarely into the "teenage drama" category, and it's a struggle to stay interested and not visibly roll my eyes. Other times it's been hard for precisely the opposite reason. The issues are part of such complicated, deeply rooted familial and social issues, and I am at a loss as to how I can be supportive in a meaningful way. It has exposed my own privileges in uncomfortable ways, and forced me to confront some of my expectations and assumptions. I’ve definitely lost sleep thinking about her and her family before. I've also lost patience, said the wrong thing, and wondered whether it was best to disengage. There were more than a few times when I felt close to the breaking point. But I gave myself time, sought advice from my own support network, reevaluated and reestablished my boundaries, and remembered that this is a relationship. It is bound to be dynamic, imperfect, in need of adjustment at times. It doesn't have to spell the end. Realizing this has made it easier for me to commit to the long haul. Over the years we have become more distant in some ways, with our contact being more sporadic, yet closer in others, as she matures more into young adulthood. I am sure our dynamic will change forms even more as she approaches her twenties and full independence.
G recently won a Heroes Award from the Y. Because I'm not a perfect person, I wondered, why not me? I've given so much of myself to being a mentor. I planned all these outings, I’ve stuck around, I’ve given back to the program in so many ways, I've done the hard work. I'm not proud for thinking that way, but the feeling was there whether I approved of it rationally or not. It lingered for a while until I helped G prepare her speech for the event. She told me that she never felt proud of herself before I came along, but that things changed because I was always telling her different ways that I was proud of her. I didn't think she had ever noticed that. One of the other things she said was, "I don't think I ever told you but I love all the little gifts you get me and the cards you've sent. I keep them all and seeing them in my room makes me happy." She was right; she definitely had never told me that before. It's one of the things that I resented a bit over the years... all this giving, and never getting much of a positive reaction or thank you. After this call with her I felt like an idiot. I thought I wanted and deserved to be recognized with some award when in actuality this exchange with her was enough. SHE was enough. Seeing her in a good place in her life, showing confidence, putting thought and preparation into a speech, showing introspection and gratitude… this was the big reward. Truly. I just needed patience to receive it.
G gave her speech at the awards ceremony, bringing so many people to tears. I watched from the side. At a different event a couple years ago where she was asked to speak, she wanted me to be right next to her. This time, she didn’t need that anymore. She did it all on her own and she knocked it out of the park. I was flooded with emotion, hearing her tell her story to the crowd. She's shown so much perseverance and courage. She's asked for help and allowed herself to receive it and grow. She is honest with herself and others about the emotions that are hard. All of those things are huge. So many of us adults cannot say the same of ourselves. She's turned her greatest challenges into strengths. If that isn't heroic, what is?
On one of our first outings, I told her that I hoped someday she’d invite me to her graduation. I couldn’t promise what, if any, kind of relationship we’d have at that time. But I mentally made it a goal that I would see her to that finish line in some form. We got to that goal, and it feels incredible. But that’s not the finish line anymore. Now it’s getting her through college. She’s going to be fine on her own, because she knows how to navigate resources now and get things done. But whenever she needs, I’ll still be close by… literally. We’ll both be starting at SF State this fall!
Beyond being proud of her, I am proud of what we've built together. Relationships of all sorts require work and this one is no different. I mostly share the happy pictures and the good times, but there have been many low points too, especially at the beginning. We used to meet weekly, or at least that was the expectation. There were many unreturned texts, scheduling miscommunications, thankless tasks, and other frustrations. It went beyond logistical annoyances, of course. I saw her traverse mental health challenges, social and romantic woes, family strains, financial issues, academic problems, and more. Being by her side and listening empathetically through those times wasn’t easy. Sometimes it's been hard because the problems fall squarely into the "teenage drama" category, and it's a struggle to stay interested and not visibly roll my eyes. Other times it's been hard for precisely the opposite reason. The issues are part of such complicated, deeply rooted familial and social issues, and I am at a loss as to how I can be supportive in a meaningful way. It has exposed my own privileges in uncomfortable ways, and forced me to confront some of my expectations and assumptions. I’ve definitely lost sleep thinking about her and her family before. I've also lost patience, said the wrong thing, and wondered whether it was best to disengage. There were more than a few times when I felt close to the breaking point. But I gave myself time, sought advice from my own support network, reevaluated and reestablished my boundaries, and remembered that this is a relationship. It is bound to be dynamic, imperfect, in need of adjustment at times. It doesn't have to spell the end. Realizing this has made it easier for me to commit to the long haul. Over the years we have become more distant in some ways, with our contact being more sporadic, yet closer in others, as she matures more into young adulthood. I am sure our dynamic will change forms even more as she approaches her twenties and full independence.
G recently won a Heroes Award from the Y. Because I'm not a perfect person, I wondered, why not me? I've given so much of myself to being a mentor. I planned all these outings, I’ve stuck around, I’ve given back to the program in so many ways, I've done the hard work. I'm not proud for thinking that way, but the feeling was there whether I approved of it rationally or not. It lingered for a while until I helped G prepare her speech for the event. She told me that she never felt proud of herself before I came along, but that things changed because I was always telling her different ways that I was proud of her. I didn't think she had ever noticed that. One of the other things she said was, "I don't think I ever told you but I love all the little gifts you get me and the cards you've sent. I keep them all and seeing them in my room makes me happy." She was right; she definitely had never told me that before. It's one of the things that I resented a bit over the years... all this giving, and never getting much of a positive reaction or thank you. After this call with her I felt like an idiot. I thought I wanted and deserved to be recognized with some award when in actuality this exchange with her was enough. SHE was enough. Seeing her in a good place in her life, showing confidence, putting thought and preparation into a speech, showing introspection and gratitude… this was the big reward. Truly. I just needed patience to receive it.
G gave her speech at the awards ceremony, bringing so many people to tears. I watched from the side. At a different event a couple years ago where she was asked to speak, she wanted me to be right next to her. This time, she didn’t need that anymore. She did it all on her own and she knocked it out of the park. I was flooded with emotion, hearing her tell her story to the crowd. She's shown so much perseverance and courage. She's asked for help and allowed herself to receive it and grow. She is honest with herself and others about the emotions that are hard. All of those things are huge. So many of us adults cannot say the same of ourselves. She's turned her greatest challenges into strengths. If that isn't heroic, what is?
On one of our first outings, I told her that I hoped someday she’d invite me to her graduation. I couldn’t promise what, if any, kind of relationship we’d have at that time. But I mentally made it a goal that I would see her to that finish line in some form. We got to that goal, and it feels incredible. But that’s not the finish line anymore. Now it’s getting her through college. She’s going to be fine on her own, because she knows how to navigate resources now and get things done. But whenever she needs, I’ll still be close by… literally. We’ll both be starting at SF State this fall!
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