Imposter

Last weekend I had to give a training in the city. I'm not sure that I've explicitly shared online that I am back at my former organization in Chinatown, leading a project to provide consultation and training to health and social service providers on culturally and linguistically appropriate services. Many times this consists of training staff on cultural competence/responsiveness/humility... whatever term you prefer. We call it "widening your personal lens".

Over the years I have led some version of this training probably 50+ times. I've facilitated many other types of training too, with audiences of all sizes and types. I don't usually experience much anxiety anymore. I might feel a little nervous, or unsure how a new activity or piece of content will go, but that gut level of fear is gone. 

But on my way to the training on Saturday, I was in knots. At one point on my drive there, I had to shove down the urge to cry. It genuinely surprised me, and I consider myself pretty self-aware. I couldn't figure out what was going on with myself, since there was nothing remarkable about this training, this audience, or this day. I turned up the radio and rolled down the window to enjoy the ocean breeze along the Great Highway. By the time I got there, I felt okay. I did the training, got very positive engagement and feedback, and left feeling renewed confidence.

Since then, I've thought a lot about what happened and I think it's the effect of school. To be honest, when contemplating going back to school, I only thought about how much work I would have to do. I didn't consider what it would do to me. The program has pushed me in completely different ways than I expected. It has really forced me to examine my world view and second guess how I am doing my work in public health. I consider myself progressive, but our teachers encourage us to be radical, to fight, to question power. I like being in these discussions and don't disagree that our systems are deeply flawed. But I have to also reflect on ways I have been complicit in this mess, and how I can be a leader for change.

I still have a lot to learn. It's school, so of course that's the point. But wearing a student hat makes it hard to also wear the "expert" hat that is required when I'm in front of a room. To be clear, I have never sold myself as an expert on race, culture, or equity. That would go against the humility I'm trying to impart in my training. But in these spaces, people see me as the teacher and expect to learn something. And on Saturday I was unsure if I could deliver. I came down with an acute case of imposter syndrome. How can I be the expert? Why am I at the front of the room? What do I even know? Am I even qualified for this job?? 

What I've come around to, and need to keep reminding myself of, is that I have knowledge. I have lived experience. I read a lot. I have attended trainings and learned from respected leaders in this area. I've gotten overwhelmingly positive feedback about what I teach and how I teach it, but some criticism too. I take all of that and do the best I can to share what I've learned through it all. As long as I am willing to adapt, update, and keep learning, I deserve that stage as much as anyone else.