I haven't written in a few months, but not for lack of desire. There's been so much I've wanted to say about my experience in grad school so far, and there are even some pieces of writing I've done for class that I've considered sharing. But for the past 16 weeks, the stream of work has been unrelenting, and writing for pleasure and reflection has taken a back burner. Now that I can come up for air, I find myself struggling to string together thoughts.
To start with the good, we did it!! We made it through the first semester of grad school. It's just one out of five, but I've been told it's the hardest since it has the biggest course load, and requires the biggest adjustment back into student life. But as of yesterday, here we are on the other side. I say "we" because this was truly a family affair. I am so proud of Curtis' hard work, and Holly's resilience. Some other time, I will write more about the logistics of how we've made it work because I've been asked by other parents what it really looks like, and I know I googled "going back to school as a parent" a few times before I applied too.
For about a week I was feeling quite triumphant and jubilant as I saw the end of the semester right within reach. I put a lot of time and effort into my classes and assignments, and while I don't have my grades back, it doesn't really matter to me at this point because I know I could not have done any more. I want to celebrate and feel good about this milestone, but right now I feel blanketed with exhaustion and anxiety. Not just from work and school, but from watching what is happening in our country and world at large. It seems we can't go a day without more troubling news, whether related to this administration, natural disasters, mass shootings, or incidences of hate. I admit I'm glued to the news more than I should be. It's hard not to be when I feel like my professional credibility relies on being up to date on the issues impacting the health and well-being of marginalized communities. Plus, not staying informed in at least a minimal way seems like forfeiting in a time when everyone should be extra vigilant. But what I've found is that how much I internalize the news has a lot to do with my emotional state and mental health. I have made a point to prioritize self-care throughout the term, but even so, all that pushing and persevering does catch up. And now I am very, very tired. My reserves are depleted. I know it's bad because I am crying at HONY posts and SVU episodes I've already seen before... perhaps normal for some, but not for me!
In the next few weeks I will try to uncoil my tightly wound self, as I prepare for the next round. Unfortunately I don't have a real winter break to look forward to. In my efforts to make the most of my reprieve from homework, I have over-scheduled myself, forgetting that I also have a job and a family that do not go on break. For the first time in many years, I won't be taking any stretch of time off for the holidays (other than a day here and there), or be able to visit my family in Portland and Seattle. We simply can't afford to because I started my job too recently to have paid vacation time or holiday pay, and my organization does not close between Christmas and New Years, like many others do. I don't expect anyone to feel bad for me... I know many, many workers don't get paid time off or have money to cover the basics, nonetheless travel for the holidays. I just want to honestly acknowledge how these things are affecting my mood and sense of well-being right now. I need a break. Don't we all?
Despite all the whining, I am very much enjoying our first holiday season in the new house. I have been almost giddy in my enthusiasm for the holidays this year, delighting in putting up our stockings, decorating our Christmas tree, and wrapping up gifts. Turning on the lights on the tree and looking at our ornaments every day makes me so happy. Part of the enjoyment is having a frivolous distraction from my workload, but mostly I love having the chance to make our house feel festive and warm. We're incredibly privileged to be here, so it only seems right to make it shiny and bright. I feel more rooted in our home of 5 months than I ever did at our apartment of 6 years. I wouldn't trade that daily sense of safety and security at home for any grand getaway (though I would happily take both!).
To start with the good, we did it!! We made it through the first semester of grad school. It's just one out of five, but I've been told it's the hardest since it has the biggest course load, and requires the biggest adjustment back into student life. But as of yesterday, here we are on the other side. I say "we" because this was truly a family affair. I am so proud of Curtis' hard work, and Holly's resilience. Some other time, I will write more about the logistics of how we've made it work because I've been asked by other parents what it really looks like, and I know I googled "going back to school as a parent" a few times before I applied too.
For about a week I was feeling quite triumphant and jubilant as I saw the end of the semester right within reach. I put a lot of time and effort into my classes and assignments, and while I don't have my grades back, it doesn't really matter to me at this point because I know I could not have done any more. I want to celebrate and feel good about this milestone, but right now I feel blanketed with exhaustion and anxiety. Not just from work and school, but from watching what is happening in our country and world at large. It seems we can't go a day without more troubling news, whether related to this administration, natural disasters, mass shootings, or incidences of hate. I admit I'm glued to the news more than I should be. It's hard not to be when I feel like my professional credibility relies on being up to date on the issues impacting the health and well-being of marginalized communities. Plus, not staying informed in at least a minimal way seems like forfeiting in a time when everyone should be extra vigilant. But what I've found is that how much I internalize the news has a lot to do with my emotional state and mental health. I have made a point to prioritize self-care throughout the term, but even so, all that pushing and persevering does catch up. And now I am very, very tired. My reserves are depleted. I know it's bad because I am crying at HONY posts and SVU episodes I've already seen before... perhaps normal for some, but not for me!
In the next few weeks I will try to uncoil my tightly wound self, as I prepare for the next round. Unfortunately I don't have a real winter break to look forward to. In my efforts to make the most of my reprieve from homework, I have over-scheduled myself, forgetting that I also have a job and a family that do not go on break. For the first time in many years, I won't be taking any stretch of time off for the holidays (other than a day here and there), or be able to visit my family in Portland and Seattle. We simply can't afford to because I started my job too recently to have paid vacation time or holiday pay, and my organization does not close between Christmas and New Years, like many others do. I don't expect anyone to feel bad for me... I know many, many workers don't get paid time off or have money to cover the basics, nonetheless travel for the holidays. I just want to honestly acknowledge how these things are affecting my mood and sense of well-being right now. I need a break. Don't we all?
Despite all the whining, I am very much enjoying our first holiday season in the new house. I have been almost giddy in my enthusiasm for the holidays this year, delighting in putting up our stockings, decorating our Christmas tree, and wrapping up gifts. Turning on the lights on the tree and looking at our ornaments every day makes me so happy. Part of the enjoyment is having a frivolous distraction from my workload, but mostly I love having the chance to make our house feel festive and warm. We're incredibly privileged to be here, so it only seems right to make it shiny and bright. I feel more rooted in our home of 5 months than I ever did at our apartment of 6 years. I wouldn't trade that daily sense of safety and security at home for any grand getaway (though I would happily take both!).
Given all the struggles of the world, and my own weariness, it feels insincere to throw out cheerful holiday bromides. Instead, I'll leave this quote from Arunduthi Roy, offered by one of my beloved teachers this term. It feels like a fitting resolution for the new year, particularly for those of us trying to care for ourselves and our communities:
“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.”
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