A few months ago I was with my mentee (who I will remind you is fourteen) at a Starbucks by her house. We go there frequently to work on our scrapbook and talk. As we were cutting out pictures, a man, probably in his late twenties or thirties, came up to G and said something like, "Excuse me, uh, I was checking you out from outside and I think you were checking me out too and uh..." At that point, I was able to get over my shock a little. I looked at him with the fire of a thousand suns and stammered, "sorry, you need to go." He backed away looking all offended like he had no idea why I was being such a buzz kill. At that point I pointed out the obvious, which was that G is SERIOUSLY UNDERAGE. After he left, G was visibly shaken up and she told me she was scared he would come back. She shared that men had given her a lot of attention lately, especially when she wears shorts, and that it made her feel weird.
I have endured my share of street harassment and slurs, and it still makes me angry every time. But when I saw this happen to G, I felt a mama bear type rage I had never experienced before. I felt sick to my stomach that this was a reality for not just grown women, but for growing girls as well. As a mentor of a teenager, I had prepared for her asking me about sex, relationships, or drugs and alcohol. But I didn't prep talking points for this conversation. It caught me off guard, and I really didn't know what the right response was.
I started off by telling her that I was really sorry this happened to her, because I wanted to acknowledge that it's perfectly normal to be upset, and that this man's behavior was not okay. I was also honest with her about the shame I felt myself because I actually started my response to him with "sorry", as if I owed him an apology. I explained to her that as women, we've been taught to always be nice, which is fine most of the time, but that she never should feel bad for being "rude" to someone who has intruded on her personal space and her sense of safety. I reiterated that everyone always has the right to say no, whether it's to a stranger or a friend. But after that much, I was seriously stumbling in the dark. How do you explain to a girl that these threats will be something she will continue to experience as she becomes a woman, without instilling too much fear in her? How much "watching out" should I advise her to do?
After thinking about it for months, I still don't know. Over the years I have read many opinions about a woman's role in preventing her own assault. Some say women should not be told to do anything since it shifts the responsibility from the perpetrator to the victim. In the other camp, some people say it's just plain dumb not to take preventative measures, and that women should be empowered to protect themselves. I can see it both ways. I absolutely agree that women should not have to do anything to be safe. It is everyone's inherent right to be safe. No woman ever "asks for it" because she wore a short skirt, or invited him in, or slept with hundreds of other people before. This victim-blaming discourse makes it so much harder for people to speak out and get help for the trauma they've experienced. But I don't think it's a bad thing to want to protect yourself either. I never leave my drink unattended at a bar or at parties; I hold my keys when I'm walking to my car at night; I ignore catcalls on the street because I don't want to incite anger and invite more attention. I don't think I should be judged for doing things that make me feel safer, and I don't judge the measures that other women take for themselves. They are very individual choices all women make based on their lifetime of experiences, observations, teachings, and cultural messages, and only we can know what feels right for us. There are no perfect decisions in an imperfect world. Sadly no matter what we do, we cannot control what others will do.
For G, she will have to make those choices on her own and begin navigating the tightrope of living freely and living in fear. It's not fair and it's not right, and it breaks my heart that this is a part of growing up for girls. I just want to let her know she is not alone in this struggle, give her facts and food for thought, and help her build up the confidence to know that whatever she chooses to do or not do, she is worthy of safety and security. What else can I do? (Not a rhetorical question.)
this is really good to read. I am disgusted by that man's approach to your mentee, but it gives a reality check that we need to be smart and strong ourselves and not let others affect who you are.
ReplyDeleteThank you Melanie! It's a hard thing to navigate and I hope we won't always have to think about how to protect ourselves from gender-based harassment and sexual violence.
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