This post was written around the end of August, when I was finishing up my first trimester. It's taken me longer to share than I expected when I wrote it.
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I haven't posted in a while because the one thing weighing on my mind has been the one thing I haven't been ready to share.
I'm pregnant.
Being pregnant in the first trimester has been like carrying a monkey on my back (or front rather!) that no one else seems to see. It seems so obvious and ever present as I go about my day, but there is no one to talk to about it. (Except poor Curtis, who gets an earful every night.) I am an open book with most things in my life, so to have this be a secret, even for a few weeks, has been so foreign to me. It is strange and lonely.
I didn't keep it to myself because "that's what people do", but as time went on, I began to understand more and more why it is that people do what people do. Before (and even after) I had my first ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy, I felt so much anxiety that the baby wasn't even there, or that it had disappeared. Some women I've talked to relate to this, while others think I'm a bit crazy. I guess I was just suspended in disbelief because I could not see or feel the life inside me. I needed constant confirmation that I could not get. And that made it feel especially uncomfortable to share with others, even the closest of friends. We also had a miscarriage scare at one point. Everything turned out fine, but the momentary fear was enough to make me realize how devastating it could be to lose a pregnancy, even early on, and how there were very few people I would want to confide in should such a thing happen to me.
But as weeks have gone on, I have slowly shared my news with more and more people. The reactions have genuinely surprised me. Some people have been unexpectedly lukewarm about it. Even though it's caught me off guard at times, I don't take it personally at all. I know news like this has a way of triggering a lot of emotions that have nothing to do with a person's actual feelings towards me and my life. What I never anticipated was just how excited people would be for me. One of my best friends called me immediately after getting my text, actually crying with happiness for me. It was so unexpected, and it made me cry too! It's not just people close to me either. Random people, like my dental hygienist, have also shown such genuine interest and encouragement.
With every person I've told, the more real the experience has become to me and the more excited I have allowed myself to feel. In the past, when I got married or got a new job, congratulations never meant too much to me, or at least not at all what they've meant to me with this pregnancy. I think because with those other things, I felt more sure about myself and my path and did not need external validation, while this time, I feel like I'm jumping off a cliff into the great unknown and any support or goodwill at all feels like a great gift.
I've never had anyone share their early pregnancy with me, so I really had no clue how uncomfortable it would be. Now, when I talk to other moms, they're like "yup, that's how it was for me!" and I feel a little betrayed that I wasn't better prepared. Sure, I had heard about morning sickness, but that is only one of the many miseries that women experience. I had no idea how much a woman's body can change so early on in pregnancy. I will spare the internet my whining about all my aches and ickiness, but feel free to ask me privately if you want to know! The main ironies are:
---
I haven't posted in a while because the one thing weighing on my mind has been the one thing I haven't been ready to share.
I'm pregnant.
Being pregnant in the first trimester has been like carrying a monkey on my back (or front rather!) that no one else seems to see. It seems so obvious and ever present as I go about my day, but there is no one to talk to about it. (Except poor Curtis, who gets an earful every night.) I am an open book with most things in my life, so to have this be a secret, even for a few weeks, has been so foreign to me. It is strange and lonely.
I didn't keep it to myself because "that's what people do", but as time went on, I began to understand more and more why it is that people do what people do. Before (and even after) I had my first ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy, I felt so much anxiety that the baby wasn't even there, or that it had disappeared. Some women I've talked to relate to this, while others think I'm a bit crazy. I guess I was just suspended in disbelief because I could not see or feel the life inside me. I needed constant confirmation that I could not get. And that made it feel especially uncomfortable to share with others, even the closest of friends. We also had a miscarriage scare at one point. Everything turned out fine, but the momentary fear was enough to make me realize how devastating it could be to lose a pregnancy, even early on, and how there were very few people I would want to confide in should such a thing happen to me.
But as weeks have gone on, I have slowly shared my news with more and more people. The reactions have genuinely surprised me. Some people have been unexpectedly lukewarm about it. Even though it's caught me off guard at times, I don't take it personally at all. I know news like this has a way of triggering a lot of emotions that have nothing to do with a person's actual feelings towards me and my life. What I never anticipated was just how excited people would be for me. One of my best friends called me immediately after getting my text, actually crying with happiness for me. It was so unexpected, and it made me cry too! It's not just people close to me either. Random people, like my dental hygienist, have also shown such genuine interest and encouragement.
With every person I've told, the more real the experience has become to me and the more excited I have allowed myself to feel. In the past, when I got married or got a new job, congratulations never meant too much to me, or at least not at all what they've meant to me with this pregnancy. I think because with those other things, I felt more sure about myself and my path and did not need external validation, while this time, I feel like I'm jumping off a cliff into the great unknown and any support or goodwill at all feels like a great gift.
I've never had anyone share their early pregnancy with me, so I really had no clue how uncomfortable it would be. Now, when I talk to other moms, they're like "yup, that's how it was for me!" and I feel a little betrayed that I wasn't better prepared. Sure, I had heard about morning sickness, but that is only one of the many miseries that women experience. I had no idea how much a woman's body can change so early on in pregnancy. I will spare the internet my whining about all my aches and ickiness, but feel free to ask me privately if you want to know! The main ironies are:
(a) I feel sick to my stomach, but the only thing that helps is some food
Everyone says the second trimester is much more enjoyable, so I'm counting on that. In six months, this will all be over, and life will be easy, right? (Just kidding. Seriously. Parents, stop reminding me how little sleep I'll get, and how many diaper blowouts I'll face. I'm trying to get psyched UP here.) My new year's resolution was to savor life and while I have not done a great job with that in certain areas, I have tried to focus on that again now with my pregnancy. The phrase "miracle of life" is not so cliche to me now. Even through the discomfort and anxiety, it has not escaped me what a privilege it is to experience this baby growing inside me, to be able to bond with him/her in a way no one else can at this point. I am grateful for that, and for this time of calm before the "storm".
(b) I am constantly hungry, but keep reading and hearing sharp warnings about the perils of gaining too much weight
(c) I am exhausted, but cannot have the latte I'm dying for
(c) I am exhausted, but cannot have the latte I'm dying for
Exhibit A: Snacks/nausea maintenance kit for one business trip
Everyone says the second trimester is much more enjoyable, so I'm counting on that. In six months, this will all be over, and life will be easy, right? (Just kidding. Seriously. Parents, stop reminding me how little sleep I'll get, and how many diaper blowouts I'll face. I'm trying to get psyched UP here.) My new year's resolution was to savor life and while I have not done a great job with that in certain areas, I have tried to focus on that again now with my pregnancy. The phrase "miracle of life" is not so cliche to me now. Even through the discomfort and anxiety, it has not escaped me what a privilege it is to experience this baby growing inside me, to be able to bond with him/her in a way no one else can at this point. I am grateful for that, and for this time of calm before the "storm".
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