On Marriage: Year 5, California: Year 10

August is a month of many milestones for me. This year Curtis and I celebrate five years of marriage. And it is also the tenth anniversary of my move to California. It's hard to disentangle the two things because moving here is how I met Curtis, and meeting Curtis is the reason why I've stayed.

Interview Trip, April 2008

Growing up in Oregon, I never ever ever thought I'd become a dreaded Californian. Those were the shallow people, the people who drove too fast, the people who were raising prices in our lovely state. There was so much pride in being an Oregonian, though truthfully I didn't have any other points of comparison. In the last semester of college, I got the itch to get away. My thesis adviser forwarded me an announcement for a new program called City Hall Fellows, with sites in Houston and San Francisco. I had never spent time in either place, but I applied to both anyway. By some miracle I was accepted for a placement in San Francisco, and moved here sight unseen after graduation. I don't remember if I thought I would come back to Portland afterwards or not. At 22 thinking ahead was not a priority.

In the first few months I experienced so many growing pains. Thank goodness I met some wonderful people in my cohort, some of whom are still my close friends today. I had reckless moments, failed relationships, questionable living arrangements, and so much time on my hands. I felt like a young person for the first time in my life, with all the good and bad that comes with that. In the California sunshine and vibrant energy of the city, I grew into myself.

Within that first year I met Curtis. I remember the moment exactly. My boss had been talking for months about this new engineer our team was hiring. I assumed it would be someone older, since pretty much everyone in the agency was "old", which to my young-20s self meant anyone over 35. To my surprise, a tall, nerdy-looking kid in a SFSU sweatshirt came in. (Yes, I actually thought "kid" even though he turned out to be a year older than me.) It wasn't exactly love at first sight. We got on each others nerves a lot. When we did start dating, I didn't expected it to last. He didn't seem like boyfriend material, and I didn't need one of those anyway. When I got a job offer in DC, I didn't consider staying for him and he didn't ask me to. I left and gave him all my furniture, knowing that I might not get it back.

We both wanted to continue the relationship but knew in the back of our minds that the odds of long distance working would be small. It was a tortured year full of "what are we?" and "why are we doing this?" conversations. But one day I sat at my desk and made a pro/con list. Almost every con I could think of was counterbalanced by another way in which it was a good trait. Like not being very spontaneous meant he was good at thinking ahead. Some of the cons didn't have a silver lining, but they were things I had already seen him working to improve, like being more communicative. When I saw it laid out on paper, I actually laughed out loud. It wasn't so complicated after all.

First time in Portland together, February 2010

The list re-framed the way I saw him and cemented my commitment to work through the challenges. I came back for him. And for all my stuff. In my first two years in the city, I amassed different pieces of furniture from friends, exes, Craigslist, and the sidewalk: a futon, dining room table, dresser, bed, bookshelves, and side tables. We got some great mileage on those items, but over the past couple years, I've slowly passed them on to friends and colleagues making fresh starts for themselves. Last week, we just got a new mattress to replace our decade-old one, which I had gotten for free from a friend in those early SF days. The old one is moving on to my mentee's first apartment. Curtis pointed out to me that this is the last remnant of my cobbled together furniture from when I first moved here. It was a bittersweet realization. But closing this loop exactly 10 years later feels really good. Not because I don't like free or secondhand stuff (I really, really do!) but because now I get to be intentional about what I want in my life. It's a shift from "for now" to forever.

I don't actually know what forever means. It's a nebulous concept to grasp in marriage especially, because none of us know how long we have together or as individuals on this earth. Curtis and I are no longer kids or newlyweds, but if we are lucky, we are still at the beginning. We have been enjoying the early season of our life, where a lot of growth is happening quickly. It's easy to feel accomplished as we check off the big boxes we've been told will make us complete: college, marriage, house, kid. In the next ten years, the dust will hopefully settle on moving, having babies, finishing degrees, and starting new jobs. Changes will still come, but probably not at the rapid pace they are now. My hope is that we can be content in this next phase of life, and not rely on the adrenaline of big changes and Facebook-worthy accomplishments to keep us stimulated and satisfied as a couple. I don't know how to do that yet to be honest; I have no model for keeping love alive for 20+ years. The next milestones are less clear than they've been. But despite the ambiguity, I am as committed to this journey as the day I made that list, and as the day we said our vows.

Muni F-line Streetcar, August 2013

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Rewind:
On Marriage: Year Four
On Marriage: Year Three
On Marriage: Year Two
On Marriage: Year One