There have been some great conversations going on this month about ambition and drive on A Practical Wedding (yes, technically a wedding blog, but actually, so much more). It's been so interesting to read the perspectives of a spectrum of smart women, some who are hungry for it, some who aren't, and some who are just plain burnt out. This burnout thread particularly got to me. As I talked about in my first blog post, in high school I always imagined being a really successful career woman, the kind that would wear great suits and save the world through consensus-building. Now I just get tired at even the thought of being a "successful career woman". What happened to that fire? Am I really burnt out at the ripe young age of 27? How terrible is it that I just don't care anymore?
APW is one of the few places on the internet where I can stand to read the comments section. In fact, sometimes the comments are more insightful than the content. One of the commenters on the Avoiding Burnout open thread had this to say (emphasis mine):
I think this person has it exactly right. That fire I felt when I was younger was essential... it helped me get good grades, it made me practice being a leader, it made me look forward to the future. But it wasn't exactly original. It was the script I had been given. You know how it goes... If you want to be successful and prove you're smart, you have to climb, you have to network, you have to build an awesome resume, you have to get more letters after your name, you have to give it your all, you have to work, work, work... and on and on it goes. I accepted the mission without question because I didn't know better. I didn't know myself better.
The funny thing is I've never even taken a big run on this hamster wheel of "success", yet I'm sick of it. I didn't go to an Ivy League school. I've delayed grad school year after year. I've never gone near the corporate world. How can I be burnt out, when I was never even running? It's because constantly feeling the pressure to run is pretty exhausting too. Regularly having to answer "when are you going back to school?" is exhausting. Feeling embarrassed about my tiny salary is exhausting. Seeing my friends work crazy hours and feeling guilty that I don't ever work that much is exhausting.
It's not a bad thing that other people are interested in my future, or that my friends work more and make more than me. But my internal response to these triggers has been all wrong. I've let trite definitions of ambition and success prevent me from seeing my situation for what it is: awesome. Four days a week, I do work that is meaningful to me and the community with coworkers that support me and make me laugh. I have one totally free day to do community service, see friends, or be alone. And I have two glorious weekend days to spend with my favorite person, doing whatever we want, neither of us checking work emails or worrying about Monday. Working part time in a low-key job is not a failure at all; it's a dream!
This transition I've been going through is not burnout. I've been truly burnt out once in my life. I was very depressed for a time in college and could not get myself to care about school or do my work anymore. I thought at one point I might just have to quit. Thank goodness I didn't. But through that experience I learned that nothing is more important than living a healthy, balanced, authentic life. I've kept that intention in my heart and built my life with this in mind. There is no need to wonder where my ambition went. The drive has been there all along, it's just steering me somewhere else. It's time I accept that without shame.
APW is one of the few places on the internet where I can stand to read the comments section. In fact, sometimes the comments are more insightful than the content. One of the commenters on the Avoiding Burnout open thread had this to say (emphasis mine):
I think in talking about burnout people are talking about a few different things. There is doing work that you might even like, but to such an extent or in a particular environment or manner that causes so much stress that it is unsustainable. Maybe just be improving self-care or taking a pause you can reconnect with your fire and rebuild your energy. But the kind of burnout I hear in a lot of the threads of conversation is not so much burning out of something as awakening to changing priorities--you might even say, your true adult independent self, separate from the expectations of family, society, etc. That is a kind of burnout I wouldn't want to avoid.
I think this person has it exactly right. That fire I felt when I was younger was essential... it helped me get good grades, it made me practice being a leader, it made me look forward to the future. But it wasn't exactly original. It was the script I had been given. You know how it goes... If you want to be successful and prove you're smart, you have to climb, you have to network, you have to build an awesome resume, you have to get more letters after your name, you have to give it your all, you have to work, work, work... and on and on it goes. I accepted the mission without question because I didn't know better. I didn't know myself better.
The funny thing is I've never even taken a big run on this hamster wheel of "success", yet I'm sick of it. I didn't go to an Ivy League school. I've delayed grad school year after year. I've never gone near the corporate world. How can I be burnt out, when I was never even running? It's because constantly feeling the pressure to run is pretty exhausting too. Regularly having to answer "when are you going back to school?" is exhausting. Feeling embarrassed about my tiny salary is exhausting. Seeing my friends work crazy hours and feeling guilty that I don't ever work that much is exhausting.
It's not a bad thing that other people are interested in my future, or that my friends work more and make more than me. But my internal response to these triggers has been all wrong. I've let trite definitions of ambition and success prevent me from seeing my situation for what it is: awesome. Four days a week, I do work that is meaningful to me and the community with coworkers that support me and make me laugh. I have one totally free day to do community service, see friends, or be alone. And I have two glorious weekend days to spend with my favorite person, doing whatever we want, neither of us checking work emails or worrying about Monday. Working part time in a low-key job is not a failure at all; it's a dream!
This transition I've been going through is not burnout. I've been truly burnt out once in my life. I was very depressed for a time in college and could not get myself to care about school or do my work anymore. I thought at one point I might just have to quit. Thank goodness I didn't. But through that experience I learned that nothing is more important than living a healthy, balanced, authentic life. I've kept that intention in my heart and built my life with this in mind. There is no need to wonder where my ambition went. The drive has been there all along, it's just steering me somewhere else. It's time I accept that without shame.
Comments
Post a Comment