Mama I'm okay out here
I've seen how hard the world can be
My step is sure and I know my name
I'm strong just like you prayed I'd be
I'm strong just like you prayed I'd be
When my mom and I were
in Vietnam this last time, we were having a fun seafood dinner by the ocean with
my aunts and cousins. As we were waiting for the bill, one of my aunts stared
into the dark water and said to my mom, “remember when we jumped into the sea,
not knowing if we would ever be back?” My mom and aunt then laughed about it,
the way some of us might laugh about that one crazy party we went to back in
the day. I, however, had to fight back tears. In that moment, I was hit so
strongly by how much my mom had been through, how much had happened to make it
possible that I was there with her, freely traveling around Vietnam with our American
passports and American boyfriends. That leap, that boat, the subsequent refugee
camp, the adjustment to a completely foreign land, the loss of a husband to
mental illness, the responsibility of raising two girls as a single mom. I don’t
know how I would handle any one of
those hardships and I hope I am never tested.
I spent many years (mainly the teenage ones) feeling resentful of the ways my family was different from those that surrounded me. But along the way I learned a lot more from my mom than she probably believes I did. Here are few lessons that have helped me lately, as I've been thinking about where I'm "supposed" to be in life:
If you have enough, don’t wish for more. When I was
kid, my mom would shut down any conversation that started with "Why can't
I have ___?" or “It’s not fair that she gets ____”. She didn't tolerate
envy or greed. Even though I'm guilty of both occasionally, I'm so glad my mom
taught me early on that those feelings are a waste of energy. You make the most with what you have, and if what you have is enough
to feed, clothe, and shelter yourself and your family, you better not be complaining. If you want more, make a plan and do it. She also warned me from a young age not to be fooled, that a lot of people own things they can't afford. Debt is not worth it, and it's certainly nothing to envy.
Never stop learning. My mom is always active learning new things. She is an encyclopedia of skills. She works full time, designing microprocessor
circuits (or something like that). And on the side she plants vegetables,
does home repairs, arranges wedding flowers, plans vacations, does origami, sews kids clothes (see costumes below), makes her own
yogurt, manages her own money, and even uses Instagram (hey, that’s remarkable for the over 50 set). This is just a small sample of what my mom can do. If
she doesn’t know something, she reads about it or asks someone. The lesson was
never that I should be able to do all the same things, but rather that learning is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Learning to do it yourself means you won't have to rely on (or pay!) someone else. It also keeps your mind and body limber, which leads me to the next lesson...
Age is just a number. My mom didn’t tell me this one verbally. In fact, she always looks
at photos of herself and complains how old she’s getting, and I’m pretty sure
she’s been saying that since her mid-30s. But even as my mom turns 55 today,
she’s still going full speed ahead with no signs of stopping. Last weekend when
I called, she was out shopping for cat-eye glasses. She’s also planning a trip
to Cancun. She holds hands with her partner in public. She still has the shy
grin of a girl. Because of her, I don't fear getting older. At 30, she probably had no idea that her best days were yet to come. We never know the arc of our story, so why assign so much meaning to how many candles are on the cake?
Mom, I know
it wasn’t easy to get where you are, but I appreciate all that you’ve taught me
and I carry it with me every day. And if you're ever worried about me, just remember, I’m strong just like you prayed I’d be.
Happy birthday,
Your baby
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