I started this blog to remind myself of good things I've been doing during my "wonderemployment", to keep my spirits up, and give myself a place to reflect on this indefinite period of transition. Lately, it has really been serving its purpose because I have needed all these things badly. The last month has been extremely trying for me, emotionally and spiritually.
At the end of June I was informed that when the new fiscal year began (July 1st), there would only be enough funds for me to work 2-3 days a week. This came as a startle to me, and I knew that this would be problematic for our financial situation. To make matters worse, July 1st came around, and our state contract for my project had not been signed for the new fiscal year, meaning there was no money for me to work at all, until that got finalized. So I was told to wait it out at home, and now nearly three weeks later, I am still at home. Waiting.
I've been keeping busy doing the things I like to do... cook, volunteer, see friends, write. It would all be wonderful, if every moment wasn't underlined by anxiety and uncertainty. Even when I return to work, I don't think working that part-time will be sustainable for us, so I know that I must find something else. My optimistic side tells me this is a great opportunity to explore something new, but most of me just simply dreads change. I have no idea what to do next. I keep wondering why it is I have not found my calling. What purpose am I meant to serve in this world? What will bring me contentment at the end of the day? What is the best thing for my family and the life we want to build together? (A new context of thinking for me, but more on that another day.) These are some big questions, and even though I know there is no perfect answer, my mind has gone in circles trying to find some sign of what to do next. Every day I shuffle around the options, priorities, and goals in my head, trying to figure out a reasonable plan for the next few weeks, months, and years. It feels like doing a 1000-piece puzzle without seeing the top of the box. I know it will all work out if I keep chipping away at it, but on any given day it feels aggravatingly futile. My life in not exceptional in this way. Everyone must go through this process, but when we're flung out of our routine, it seems this challenge feels much more acute.
Through this uncertain time, I have been staying afloat thanks to the encouragement and support of those who matter most, the people who remind me through their loving presence that I do have a purpose that has never and will never be tied to my professional success. I don't ever want to be solely defined by my relationships, as someone's wife, someone's daughter, someone's friend, but I do know that relationships are the most important things in life. None of us can do it alone, and I'm exceedingly grateful to those who have made me feel like I don't have to. You know who you are, the ones who together give meaning to the big picture, whatever it may end up looking like.
At the end of June I was informed that when the new fiscal year began (July 1st), there would only be enough funds for me to work 2-3 days a week. This came as a startle to me, and I knew that this would be problematic for our financial situation. To make matters worse, July 1st came around, and our state contract for my project had not been signed for the new fiscal year, meaning there was no money for me to work at all, until that got finalized. So I was told to wait it out at home, and now nearly three weeks later, I am still at home. Waiting.
I've been keeping busy doing the things I like to do... cook, volunteer, see friends, write. It would all be wonderful, if every moment wasn't underlined by anxiety and uncertainty. Even when I return to work, I don't think working that part-time will be sustainable for us, so I know that I must find something else. My optimistic side tells me this is a great opportunity to explore something new, but most of me just simply dreads change. I have no idea what to do next. I keep wondering why it is I have not found my calling. What purpose am I meant to serve in this world? What will bring me contentment at the end of the day? What is the best thing for my family and the life we want to build together? (A new context of thinking for me, but more on that another day.) These are some big questions, and even though I know there is no perfect answer, my mind has gone in circles trying to find some sign of what to do next. Every day I shuffle around the options, priorities, and goals in my head, trying to figure out a reasonable plan for the next few weeks, months, and years. It feels like doing a 1000-piece puzzle without seeing the top of the box. I know it will all work out if I keep chipping away at it, but on any given day it feels aggravatingly futile. My life in not exceptional in this way. Everyone must go through this process, but when we're flung out of our routine, it seems this challenge feels much more acute.
Through this uncertain time, I have been staying afloat thanks to the encouragement and support of those who matter most, the people who remind me through their loving presence that I do have a purpose that has never and will never be tied to my professional success. I don't ever want to be solely defined by my relationships, as someone's wife, someone's daughter, someone's friend, but I do know that relationships are the most important things in life. None of us can do it alone, and I'm exceedingly grateful to those who have made me feel like I don't have to. You know who you are, the ones who together give meaning to the big picture, whatever it may end up looking like.
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