Recently when I went back home to Portland, I dug up my old journals from 8th and 9th grade. I proceeded to spend the flight, and a few hours after, reading them straight through. I remember many events of those tender years vividly, but holy moly, I had forgotten the thought process of that age. I was obsessed with this boy, and then the next day another one. I spent pages and pages interpreting every act, every word, every absence of acts or words. I truly seemed to feel that one failed relationship meant I was doomed to never find love. I felt my options of people out there for me were limited to the five boys I interacted with most frequently. I did things I knew weren't smart, and even admitted it to myself in writing.
One of the best finds in my journals was a list I made in 9th grade, at age 14, titled, Things I would like to do in my lifetime (not in any order). I had remembered this list vaguely and a couple of the items on it, but I had forgotten about most of it. It was fascinating to see what I felt was important to me at that time, and to compare it with what I had accomplished in the 14 years since writing it. It's a long list, with 21 items, so I will share it with you in segments.
Things I would like to do in my lifetime (not in any order): Part 1
1. Live in a big city
Check! Moving to San Francisco was the best decision I ever made.
2. Be a mother, a good one
I still hope for this.
3. Publish a children's book
I would still love to do this someday, somehow, but I have no idea what it takes, no illustration experience, and little drive to figure it all out. I do, however, have a main character in mind: my beloved Miss Koala Bear. Even in adulthood, Miss Koala Bear is much more than a toy to me. She has so much life in her eyes, and so much history to tell. When I was a little girl, my sister would make up stories about what Miss Koala Bear did when I was away at school, where she came from, and the lessons she needed to be taught (Miss Koala Bear was wild in her youth). I don't know if I could ever capture that magic on paper, but it's something I would love to share if I could.
4. Be fluent in Spanish
I was well on my way there, taking Spanish V my senior year of high school (or the equivalent to Spanish II in college). But once I got to college so many other classes seemed more fun or more important, so I didn't continue. At one point, my writing skills were passable, but I was also always horribly shy about speaking because I knew I would make mistakes. That's the only way to learn though. Someday I would like to pick this back up again.
5. Be fluent in sign language
I'm not sure why this was important to me. Besides Spanish, I think the most useful language for me to learn would be Vietnamese. I can speak it, but not in a professional context, and my vocabulary is that of a 5-year-old. "Yes mom, more noodles please!", "Thank you for the money, auntie!", you get the picture...
6. See my mom make a best friend
When I was growing up, I knew my mom was lonely as a hardworking, single mom. My sister and I were her whole life, and it scared me. For one, my sister being off to college meant even more attention on me, which is indeed scary to any teen. But also because I knew I would leave the house soon too, and I was worried about what would become of her. I said "best friend" because my mom never seemed opened to meeting men, so I didn't want to be so optimistic as to hope for romance. But shortly after I left to college my mom did meet someone, who I would say without question IS her best friend, and more. I consider him one of the biggest blessings in my life because he came at just the right time to keep her company so I could truly fly the nest without worry.
7. See Tran get married to her true love
Oh, my 14-year-oldness is revealed in my use of "true love" haha. I am happy to say this did happen, and I got to be the maid of honor. I cringe to recall that my sister's "true love" and I got off to a rocky start (so sorry about that, Tran), but by the time their wedding came around, I stood up there with them proudly, with faith that they did belong together. Six years, a cross-country move (and back), a dog, and two children later, I can see without doubt that my sister found herself the right life partner. When I made this list, my sister was actually dating someone else, someone she had been with for many years. I loved him like a brother and friend, but I purposely didn't name him here. I knew it wasn't meant to be for her, and I'm glad she realized it too.
To be continued soon...
See Part 2, and Part 3.
One of the best finds in my journals was a list I made in 9th grade, at age 14, titled, Things I would like to do in my lifetime (not in any order). I had remembered this list vaguely and a couple of the items on it, but I had forgotten about most of it. It was fascinating to see what I felt was important to me at that time, and to compare it with what I had accomplished in the 14 years since writing it. It's a long list, with 21 items, so I will share it with you in segments.
Things I would like to do in my lifetime (not in any order): Part 1
Check! Moving to San Francisco was the best decision I ever made.
2. Be a mother, a good one
I still hope for this.
3. Publish a children's book
I would still love to do this someday, somehow, but I have no idea what it takes, no illustration experience, and little drive to figure it all out. I do, however, have a main character in mind: my beloved Miss Koala Bear. Even in adulthood, Miss Koala Bear is much more than a toy to me. She has so much life in her eyes, and so much history to tell. When I was a little girl, my sister would make up stories about what Miss Koala Bear did when I was away at school, where she came from, and the lessons she needed to be taught (Miss Koala Bear was wild in her youth). I don't know if I could ever capture that magic on paper, but it's something I would love to share if I could.
4. Be fluent in Spanish
I was well on my way there, taking Spanish V my senior year of high school (or the equivalent to Spanish II in college). But once I got to college so many other classes seemed more fun or more important, so I didn't continue. At one point, my writing skills were passable, but I was also always horribly shy about speaking because I knew I would make mistakes. That's the only way to learn though. Someday I would like to pick this back up again.
5. Be fluent in sign language
I'm not sure why this was important to me. Besides Spanish, I think the most useful language for me to learn would be Vietnamese. I can speak it, but not in a professional context, and my vocabulary is that of a 5-year-old. "Yes mom, more noodles please!", "Thank you for the money, auntie!", you get the picture...
When I was growing up, I knew my mom was lonely as a hardworking, single mom. My sister and I were her whole life, and it scared me. For one, my sister being off to college meant even more attention on me, which is indeed scary to any teen. But also because I knew I would leave the house soon too, and I was worried about what would become of her. I said "best friend" because my mom never seemed opened to meeting men, so I didn't want to be so optimistic as to hope for romance. But shortly after I left to college my mom did meet someone, who I would say without question IS her best friend, and more. I consider him one of the biggest blessings in my life because he came at just the right time to keep her company so I could truly fly the nest without worry.
7. See Tran get married to her true love
Oh, my 14-year-oldness is revealed in my use of "true love" haha. I am happy to say this did happen, and I got to be the maid of honor. I cringe to recall that my sister's "true love" and I got off to a rocky start (so sorry about that, Tran), but by the time their wedding came around, I stood up there with them proudly, with faith that they did belong together. Six years, a cross-country move (and back), a dog, and two children later, I can see without doubt that my sister found herself the right life partner. When I made this list, my sister was actually dating someone else, someone she had been with for many years. I loved him like a brother and friend, but I purposely didn't name him here. I knew it wasn't meant to be for her, and I'm glad she realized it too.
To be continued soon...
See Part 2, and Part 3.
Now I'd like to go dig up my old journals. Not a bad list there!
ReplyDeleteHaha, you totally should! And then we should have a group reading session, like my cousin Kara said on Facebook.
Delete