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One of those days.


Today, I did not enjoy being a mom. I did not enjoy waking up to a crying baby. I did not enjoy taking a sick day for my laryngitis, yet not being able to get any extra rest. I did not enjoy cutting up her breakfast into tiny squares. I did not enjoy hearing her whine while I made that breakfast. I did not enjoy pulling peanut butter out of her hair. I did not enjoy her "vocal exercises" of screeching and screaming. I did not enjoy hearing her wake up from her morning nap too early. I did not enjoy the THREE catastrophic diapers she prepared for me today. I did not enjoy her piercing cries at having her diaper and clothes changed. I did not enjoy having no voice to comfort her complaining. I did not enjoy crying while she cried; it really hurt my throat! I did not enjoy the eyedrops I needed to use for the pinkeye she gave me. I did not enjoy taking things away from her that shouldn't be used as toys. I did not enjoy picking soggy Cheerios off her shirt at snack time, or rice off her pants at dinner time. I did not enjoy stopping between every two bites of my own meal to keep her from throwing her food on the floor. I did not enjoy the power struggle that is brushing a baby's teeth.

I did, however, enjoy putting her down to sleep.

Today was not the first day I did not enjoy being a mom, and I'm sure it will not be the last. There is something about saying it aloud that feels transgressive and wrong, yet the words just kept repeating in my mind today.

In an attempt to recenter myself today, I listened to an old Dear Sugar episode called, Moms Who Hate Motherhood. My feelings are not nearly as extreme or as constant as those of the letter-writers, but as Cheryl said, these feelings are on a spectrum that almost every mother can relate to. I believe that, and I know it's normal to not enjoy every moment of being a mom. But the idea that women should, is still pervasive. People ask me surprisingly often, "Don't you just love being a mom?". It's a pretty leading question, so I just say yes. But actually the answer is way more complicated. What the Sugars and their guest therapist explained was that loving being a mom, and loving your child, are two very different things. One is a role, one is a relationship. There is a lot of pressure to love motherhood itself, but we don't put this emphasis on other roles in our life. For example, it's more more natural to say we love our spouse, not that we love being a husband or wife. Their advice was to focus on the relationship. This really resonated with me. I love Holly so, so, so much. I am genuinely thankful she came into my life. But it doesn't mean I have to enjoy the acts of parenting.

So that's my truth for today. I'm confident tomorrow will be better. (It's a daycare day. Yay!)

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