Wonderemployment

I started this blog in January 2014 when one of my grants ended and my organization moved me to another project on a much more limited basis. I felt so unmoored by the shift, wondering who I was if not a good, productive, upwardly mobile professional. (Just to be clear, I no longer believe you have to work full time to be productive, and definitely don't believe anyone's worth is tied to their employment!) A lot has changed since then. I've had five job changes, earned my MPH, had two kids, started a Buy Nothing group (practically a part time job), and navigated a pandemic. I'm also no longer underemployed! Last month I started a new job with my local public health department. It's meaningful work that is challenging, well-compensated (by my standards), in line with my experience and education, and has potential for growth and advancement-- all the things I've wanted in a job since I started this blog. I've been around enough to know that not everything wor...

It's been a year. Quite a year, to state the obvious. Last March I wrote about how it felt like the longest month . We had just seen the beginning of the pandemic, I had a miscarriage, and Holly turned four. I don't think any of us could have predicted what was in store for us. One year later, we're creeping out of the pandemic, I had a baby, and Holly turned five. It's a lot to process.  I love going back and reading the posts I wrote about my pregnancy and early parenthood days with Holly. Time and experience continually shape us, and I like being able to see what felt significant, challenging, or celebratory to me at different points. I feel some regret that I didn't take time to record more of what it was like anticipating Max's arrival. But really, the bar is low for what we should have done in 2020, so I won't linger on that. I'll just try to capture what I can now of the year we've just experienced. (1) Masks for everyone and everything; (2) ...

Yosemite, February 2020 Today you become the heirs of a legacy of togetherness. Together you will dream dreams. Together you will make plans. Together you will face moments of unutterable joy. Together you will face moments of inexpressible sorrow. Despair not when the inevitable moments of personality adjustment arise, for they may be the stepping stones to higher levels of self-completion. Be not dismayed when the buoyancy of fulfillment is transformed into the fatigue of disappointment, for this is apart of the changing scenery of life. Like the ever-flowing water of the river, life has its moments of drought and its moments of flood. Like the ever-changing cycle of the seasons, life has the piercing chill of its winters and the soothing warmth of its summers. If you feel that the fountain of love is running dry in your marriage, seek desperately to fill it anew; for without love marriage is like a parched and dried up dessert without the refreshing oasis of happiness. If you are te...

Since my last post, I've been exercising my commitment to speak up in white spaces, as uncomfortable as it can be. I'm sharing this example  in case the content is informative to you, or can encourage you to speak up when you're shut down.   I am part of a forum dedicated to addressing childhood adversity and community trauma and posted information about a webinar from Showing Up for Racial Justice .  A moderator deleted it because it could be considered "inflammatory". She said: While we agree in that a horrific injustice and murder has taken place, we do not condone the violence of looting and destruction of private and public property, nor would we want to abolish police which it is calling for. I am quite torn as I did sign up for the call and so want something that me as a white person can do to get more involved and address the systemic racism but am not in support of the extreme actions they are calling for. This took me aback because I didn't see any...

To my white friends and colleagues: This is hard for me to write, and it may be hard for you receive. This moment is not about me or my suffering, which pales in comparison to what Black folks are experiencing. But I think it’s important for you to hear as you think about allyship. Please know that I have stayed silent for your comfort. I have held my tongue in response to your microaggressions and your ignorant statements, which I am not proud of. I’ve let things go because I don’t want to embarrass you or disrupt the peace. I didn’t want to shatter the illusion that race isn’t an issue between us, because most of the time it is not. I've been scared you'll see me differently, and not in a good way. But the truth is, I don't want to be your “safe” minority friend. I have lived my life subconsciously seeking the acceptance of white people. It is how I was raised, not so subconsciously. My parents knew the key to getting ahead in America was to do well in wh...

Before you keep reading, I want you to know this post talks about pregnancy loss. If this is a sensitive topic for you, please take care. March started on high note with Holly’s birthday. On the first of the month, we had her first big party. There were lots of friends, lots of cake, and a festive mood throughout. I loved seeing her sweet, knowing smile as she stepped behind the cake, assuming the role of birthday girl for everyone to sing to. My big girl, my pride and joy. That day seems like a lifetime ago. Remember when parties were a thing? While coronavirus was in the news, we didn’t even think of canceling. It didn’t seem to be a big threat yet. That would change so quickly in the coming weeks, and I am thankful we got to celebrate in such a big way before having to close ourselves off. I thought the second week of March was going to bring more joy. I went to the doctor for an initial ultrasound, at around 8 weeks pregnant. People generally have to wait that long to be s...

Another year has gone by in a blink. The years do seem to fly by faster with age, and I've been having so many moments recently of wondering how time can play such mind games. It's been three months since I finished school, and somehow the rest of my life has swallowed up the voids left from classes, papers, and Zoom calls. It's almost like it never even happened, and those two years were just a brief detour. I'm turning 33 next week. I swear I just turned 30 . Holly is starting preschool next week, after being at the same home daycare for the past three years. I remember agonizing over how much breastmilk I could pump for her and wishing she could tell me anything about her day. Now she talks nonstop about her friends, about who likes Little Mermaid, who likes Elsa, and who got time out. She can write her name, use the potty, and feed herself. She has even told me she hates me. She's really not a baby anymore. Curtis and I can't help but say it every sing...

If you have followed my Facebook activities, you may have seen recently that I've been commenting EVERYWHERE about how we should stop celebrating Dr. Seuss. I've posted on every single idolizing event or post that has popped up in my feed in the past month, leading up to his birthday this past Saturday. I've emailed and private messaged local libraries, bookstores, our school district, and nonprofit organizations as well. In case you aren't caught up with why Dr. Seuss is so problematic, I'll share an example email I sent out, which summarizes my concern: Dear [school/library],  I am disappointed to see the upcoming event for families celebrating Dr. Seuss' birthday. While I know many generations have enjoyed his books, his explicit racism towards Asian Americans and use of offensive stereotypes of Black Americans immeasurably taint his legacy of humorous rhymes.  There has been a lot written on this subject and I hope that your staff will take the time to r...

This week I went to the  Center for Youth Wellness's ACEs Conference in San Francisco. It was really special to be able to attend this event because of the personal impact ACEs science has had on me. It changed the way I viewed myself and my life, and has also motivated my interest in public health and prevention. If you are not familiar with ACEs, it stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. A groundbreaking study  from Kaiser and the CDC has found that childhood trauma, such as abuse, neglect, or household disfunction, greatly increases long-term health risks and likelihood of early death. A while back, Dr. Nadine Burke Harris' TED talk on this topic made the rounds on Facebook, and it is worth watching to understand the significance of this research: Being at the conference, studying this in class, AND thinking about early childhood trauma at work has been a bit overwhelming this week (like it may actually be giving me hives), but it is so important, I have to le...

August is a month of many milestones for me. This year Curtis and I celebrate five years of marriage. And it is also the tenth anniversary of my move to California. It's hard to disentangle the two things because moving here is how I met Curtis, and meeting Curtis is the reason why I've stayed. Interview Trip, April 2008 Growing up in Oregon, I never ever ever thought I'd become a dreaded Californian. Those were the shallow people, the people who drove too fast, the people who were raising prices in our lovely state. There was so much pride in being an Oregonian, though truthfully I didn't have any other points of comparison. In the last semester of college, I got the itch to get away. My thesis adviser forwarded me an announcement for a new program called City Hall Fellows , with sites in Houston and San Francisco. I had never spent time in either place, but I applied to both anyway. By some miracle I was accepted for a placement in San Francisco, and moved here ...

Earlier this week I was being introduced to the director of a partner agency. My coworker said, "This is Mai..." and the other person jumped in loudly with, "My WHAT?! My WHAT?!", clearly cracking himself up. I'm fully aware Mai sounds like "my", a possessive pronoun in English. And that it rhymes with "hi". I'm aware it's a name people may not be familiar with. I've heard every joke and pun in the book from the time I was in daycare to this very f-ing day. Part of my experience of racism has been that it can be dormant for awhile, letting me forget that I'm still viewed differently by the world around me. (The fact that it's not incessant is a privilege I recognize.) I'll be moving along with my guard down, when something ugly pops up and reminds me, "not so fast... you are not one of us, you do not belong here". People feel so entitled to name me, instead of hearing me, that I have previously gone an e...

Holly is turning two this week and I'm going to be making a peanut butter pie for her. When I was at Trader Joe's grabbing a box of graham crackers for the crust, I was hit with the memory of the last time I bought a box of these. I had been discharged from the hospital a few days after my c-section. I was given three different types of pills, all to be taken at different time intervals (4, 6 and 12 hours I think), and some had to be taken with food. With a newborn at home, I hardly got any sleep as it was, but then also needed to wake up at the right times to stay on top of the medications. Getting up was near impossible, so I kept a Ziploc bag of Trader Joe's honey grahams by my side throughout the night. I figured out that if I broke them up beforehand into bite sizes, I could stick whole pieces in my mouth while laying down and not get crumbs everywhere. They somehow tasted good any time of the day, but after that initial recovery period, I didn't buy graham cracker...

I haven't written in a few months, but not for lack of desire. There's been so much I've wanted to say about my experience in grad school so far, and there are even some pieces of writing I've done for class that I've considered sharing. But for the past 16 weeks, the stream of work has been unrelenting, and writing for pleasure and reflection has taken a back burner. Now that I can come up for air, I find myself struggling to string together thoughts. To start with the good, we did it!! We made it through the first semester of grad school. It's just one out of five, but I've been told it's the hardest since it has the biggest course load, and requires the biggest adjustment back into student life. But as of yesterday, here we are on the other side. I say "we" because this was truly a family affair. I am so proud of Curtis' hard work, and Holly's resilience. Some other time, I will write more about the logistics of how we've ma...